GREETINGS like-minded English people. Are you an old, angry white man wanting to talk freely out of your arse without fear of contradiction? Then this is the column for you.
Here are some exclusive snippets of what will I will be discussing over the coming weeks.
On women
Battleaxes. Dominant. Impossible to live with. It’s just as well that they’re second-class citizens. See what happens when you give them a bit of power? Your Liz Truss! No woman has led Russia, except the crying woman Gorbachev. I like Margaret Thatcher though. Genuinely terrifying.
On the LGBTQ+ community
In Russia there are no lesbians, gays, bisexuals or transgender people. Never have been and never will be. We are all MEN, except for the women. And they are tougher than your weak, snivelling males. You listen to too much ABBA. Dancing Queen is the root of all your decadent Western problems.
On protestors
At every mass demonstration, whatever their banners say, what they are really shouting is ‘I need a haircut!’ Round them up like dogs. Shear them like sheep. I know Express readers agree with this. In fact, I think you crazy old bastards would press for harsher punishment even than me.
On Boris Johnson
It was a terrible thing that he was stabbed in the back. He was a true champion of Express readers and, if you know what I mean, a true friend to me. One of us. He will be back, of that I have no doubt. There must be some way I – sorry, I mean, you – can help him make Britain great again.
On the EU
I despise it. A threat to our sovereignty. No man can call himself a man if he is ordered about by Belgians, Like you, I did everything I could to help Britain leave it. But unlike you I don’t have to suffer the consequences but instead laugh heartily from Kremlin. Ha.
