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Train twat keeps mask off for whole journey because he's holding a coffee

A TWAT on a train is exempt from wearing a mask because he has a Costa cup in his hand, he has revealed.

Joseph Turner, who boarded the 13.32 to London Euston at Preston, has been ‘drinking’ his flat white for over three hours, neglecting to replace his mask over his face during the 45-minute intervals when he is not sipping.

He said: “The rules are clear. Not when you’re eating or drinking. And I’m savouring this.

“I had a sudden urge to get a coffee before I got on the train, when I was all sweaty and hot under my mask, and I’ve been enjoying it ever since. Sorry if other passengers are jealous of that.

“You can’t pass on the virus when you’ve got a cardboard cup, just like you can’t pass it on when you’re having a pint or enjoying a meal. That’s the science. Chris Whitty said.

“So I’m perfectly within my rights, and I’m not doing anything wrong, and I’m following regulations, and actually that makes me better than Boris Johnson.”

Ticket inspector Norman Steele said: “He is a massive, self-serving taking-risks-with-other-people’s-lives loophole-exploiting twat. But he’s right what he says about Johnson.”

£50 for sister, £10 for brother: how much are your family members worth at Christmas?

YOU can’t put a price on family, apart from at this time of year when you’re forced to. How much should you spend on each relative? 

Parents: £10

Your parents are just glad you’re spending Christmas with them so any present will do, no matter how shitty: a fancy washing up brush, a plain Chocolate Orange. If you spend a fiver on mum and she’s bought you a £110 coffee machine, bask in the £105 difference that shows how much you’re loved.

Siblings: between £5 and £60

Siblings are perhaps the hardest to judge and most infuriating to get wrong: you don’t want to spend £50 quid on a proper present only to get some fun piece of shit from Flying Tiger in return. Sisters reliably spend more than brothers but they’re vindictive when you least expect it. Buy a range of gifts and decide in the moment.

Nieces and nephews: £55

Children are young and don’t know what money is, and no present you can buy will be as exciting to them as bits of sparkly rubbish they find in the street. So you can keep costs low but you won’t, because you’ll get overexcited and splurge £55 on the present you always wanted when you were a kid. Which they don’t want.

Grandparents: £5

Grandparents already own all the things they need and all the things they don’t. Grandad still has the single malt you bought him in 2015. And they may not have too long to enjoy your gift, so unless you’re giving them something you’re hoping to later inherit stick to a fiver. They think that’s already too much.

Partner: £150

Face it: this is the biggie. Here you’re going to be judged not only for the amount of cash you cough up but also your thoughtfulness. Your whole relationship hangs in the balance. Push it past three figures and make sure you accidentally mention the price of everything repeatedly.

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