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This one awful weight loss trick involves eating well and working out

REALLY works! Side effects include exhaustion, hunger, and not having everything you want but scientists confirm the weight will just fall off, within a year or so. 

Yes, this tried-and-tested miracle method of eating in moderation, abstaining from alcohol and exercising daily requires no special supplements, no injectables and isn’t used by A-list Hollywood stars. It takes forever!

Nutritionist Dr Helen Archer said: “All you have to do is cut out anything you enjoy eating – or that anyone enjoys eating – and those extra pounds will melt away!

“The trick, and it’s a clever one, is to do it at the same time as pushing your body to the limits of physical endurance and beyond. It’s that easy. You just combine the two!

“As well as broadly looking the same and feeling guilty if you eat a single crisp, this trick will make your body ache 24/7 and cause your fragile joints to wear out even faster. And slack off for even a week and all your hard work’s undone.

“There’s no pills and no monthly subscription. You don’t have to fast or eat according to a weird schedule. All you need is unbreakable self-discipline and the ability to discard everything that once gave you pleasure. And even then your genetics might trip you up.”

Nikki Hollis said: “I tried this incredible trick that doctors want you to know about, and I gave up! I’m having a pie for lunch.”

How to really, really enjoy it when it all goes to shit for Elon Musk

RIGHT now he’s flying, but Elon Musk is in a precarious position with Trump known to ditch anyone not completely subservient at whim. Stand by to savour his inevitable downfall: 

Wait for Trump to turn on him

Trump shafts everybody, friend or foe. Musk’s demise is a foregone conclusion. But what insulting nickname will Donnie come up with? ‘Crazy Elon’, ‘Loser Elon’ and ‘Elon Musk Rat’ are all shit enough for Trump to consider them hilarious, but maybe you can do better? Set up a sweepstake with your friends.

Research Elizabeth Holmes

Elon seems untouchable now. But so did Elizabeth Holmes of Theranos, once worth $4.5 billion. The blood testing machine she invented was, due to bullshit, fraudulent and she’s still got seven years to serve in prison. Elon’s crazed claims about his businesses mean it’s not off the table. If the Federal Trade Commission begins proceedings, treat yourself to a delivery pizza with extra toppings.

Print out ‘The moon is a distraction’

And put this recent Elon tweet on your wall. Musk has burned through the $3 billion NASA gave him to build a reusable rocket, so far only reaching low orbit. At some point he’ll have to admit he’s not going to Mars, ever. Make a playlist of tunes including Space Oddity and Starman to enjoy as SpaceX’s latest project explodes in flames.

Wait for DOGE to be put down

Elon’s heading up of the Department of Government Efficiency, cutting spending for anything except businesses hoovering up billions in NASA and carbon subsidies. But Republicans vastly exaggerate how wasteful the government is and he won’t be able to cut anywhere near $2 trillion. Buy a DOGE T-shirt to wear ironically.

Put champagne on ice for a Tesla share crash

He’s only a billionaire due to Tesla, but twattery like the Cybertruck means it’s only a matter of time before the share price plummets. Bad luck for any employees Elon hasn’t sacked yet, but it’s his fault. You might want to say a few words in memory of the never-built Hyperloop train system too.

Enjoy a side of chastened Farage

After fellating Musk in front of Laura Kuenssberg, Nigel Farage has been humiliated. Half his supporters always preferred Tommy Robinson anyway and Farage always did strike you as the school bully’s weedy, arselicking mate. Point and laugh.

The final falling out

When Trump boots Elon out, will he be the total suck-up and pretend they’re still buddies? Or will he take to X and tweet ‘At least I don’t poop myself like President DUMP!!!’ It will be excellent and you should hold a big party for friends, with nibbles, the TV tuned to CNN and vast quantities of booze. Get everyone a MAGA hat.

Have Elon-in-prison sex

When Elon’s sent down, why not bask in his lack of sexual options by having slammer sex yourself? If your partner is halfway normal, they too will hate creepy, wannabe-Swift-impregnator Musk. Give it to them Folsom-style. Enjoy it.

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