DID you grow up being told masturbation was a shameful, dirty, Godless habit? Here are six health-boosting reasons to tug away with gay abandon.
It’s a workout for your prostate
Every man should look after their prostate gland, and the best way to keep it in tip-top condition is regular use. Syphoning the python at least twice a week will ensure a long and happy life. Doctors might tell you this is bullshit, but they’re in the pay of big pharma with their actual medicine that works.
It increases your heart rate
A healthy heart is a happy heart, so what better way to get the blood pumping than a quick but energetic jerk-off? Well, jogging or going to the gym, but you won’t have an orgasm and it’s not a good idea to try when there are others waiting to use the rowing machine.
It reduces horniness
There’s nothing more likely to get you beaten up than going to the pub while horny and accidentally staring lustily at an attractive woman then getting battered by her boyfriend. Look after your health by getting it out of your system – literally – before leaving the house. If you forget, knock one out in the pub toilets.
It’ll stop you texting your ex while drunk at 3am
One of the worst things for your mental health is to wake up hungover and remember that pathetic message you sent begging your ex to pop over in the early hours because you wanted sex. The emotionally intelligent guy will give the monkey a damn good spanking before opening that first can of lager.
It helps you lose weight
Yes, a wank burns off a whole five calories. Admittedly that’s not many, so you’ll have to really go at it for any noticeable weight loss, at least 100 wanks a day. This may lead to a trip to A&E with friction burns, but it’s only because you care about your BMI.
It’ll never, ever result in having children
Having a baby is singularly the worst thing you can do for your physical mental health. All those months of sleepless nights and years sitting through monotonous nativity plays just isn’t worth it for the sake of one shag. Love and nurture a box of Kleenex instead.
