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Text from mum pops up on phone mid-wank

A MAN has received a text message from his mother at the midpoint of a furious masturbatory frenzy.

30-year-old Stephen Malley had retired to the privacy of his bedroom to complete a spot of bank holiday onanism when a text alert unexpectedly popped up over a particularly choice hardcore video.

Malley said: “The last thing you want to see, member-in-hand, is a text preview of your Mum with a beaming grin holding a Pina Colada on her last cruise.

“The moment was ruined. And she’s not getting any younger, so I had to stop myself to see what she wanted. Every other message is about how another relative has died, that or she needs logging back onto her Wi-Fi.”

“This time it was to remind me about my stepsister’s 40th, which was awkward because the video had a stepsister theme. That’s not what I’m into, it was just a good video.

“I tossed off a quick reply – sorry, wrong choice of words – but it took me a good two minutes to regroup, get the blood back in it and finish the job. And if I’m honest the shine had gone off it somewhat. You know? The spontaneity?”

He added: “Then, in the post-wank slump of shame, she sent another text asking if I wanted my primary school reports and swimming badges because she was clearing out the loft.”

Smeg kettle and Smeg toaster mean nothing if you don't own Smeg fridge

SMALLER Smeg appliances are in no way impressive unless complementing a huge Smeg refrigerator, homeowners have confirmed. 

Martin Bishop, whose kitchen boasts the full trifecta, recently visited a friend who had purchased a Smeg kettle and, pathetically, thought it worth being proud of.

He said: “Nathan took me into his new fitted kitchen – Ikea – and pointed out the matching Smeg kettle and toaster in cream as if these artefacts elevated his social status.

“He asked if I wanted to ‘have a hold’ as if they were newborn twins and I told him the same thing I told my sister when my niece arrived: No thanks!

“Offering me a coffee he said ‘I’ll fire up the Smeg’ and I’m sure at one point he referred to toast as ‘Smeggy bread’. Meanwhile his fridge is a crappy LG! Doesn’t he realise that the smaller appliances are just accessories?

“It’s the Smeg fridge which separates the men from the boys, the haves from the have-nots, the pretentious wankers from the rich wankers. I’ve invited him to mine, pretending it’s to watch football, but really just to show him what a decent kitchen looks like.”

Nathan Muir said: “I love my Smeg kettle, it lets you select the temperature of the water. I normally choose 100 degrees.”

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