subscribe
/ Sign Out

Scientists no closer to understanding why morning erections are a thing

BRITAIN’S top scientists are still struggling to explain morning boners and what evolutionary advantage they may confer. 

A multi-billion pound research project by the Institute for Studies failed to identify any concrete benefits of 7.30am erections except giving the owner the brief illusion of great virility.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “There is no apparent benefit to waking up with a stiffie. Procreation? No. Your partner is likely still asleep and unless you’ve evolved minty-fresh morning breath that’s off the cards.

“We thought it may have some role in warding off predators. However an experiment with a naked tumescent man in a cage with several lions had distressing results and that line of research was discontinued.”

Study participant Tom Logan said: “I can barely muster the energy to brush my teeth in the mornings, so what on earth am I supposed to do with five and a quarter inches of premium Logan hardwood?

“And yet I can never get one when needed. My girlfriend can spend 20 minutes giving the little fella the massage of his life and if it’s not happening it’s not happening. 

“However, after a nap where I’ve a had a panic-inducing nightmare about Skrulls taking over the local Halfords I’m hard as nails. It’s madness.”

Don't watch TikToks, and other cinema etiquette that should be f**king obvious

DO you treat a trip to the cinema as if it’s just another evening in your living room? Perhaps try observing these basic, undemanding rules that a f**king potato could understand.

Don’t watch TikToks

Watching TikToks without headphones anywhere is twatty, but the cinema is a special sort of shared space. You may love wasting your life on morons dancing to sped-up songs but others may have come to a film called Oppenheimer to follow the story of J Robert Oppenheimer. Also, why do you have to watch TikTok now? You don’t take your washing-up to Glastonbury so you can do it while Guns N’ Roses are on.

Don’t talk loudly

You’re not on Gogglebox, so you don’t need to make a ‘witty’ remark every time something happens, or ask where you know every actor from. The film will be out on streaming soon anyway, so you can ruin your flatmates’ enjoyment instead of that of 100 strangers. Oh. You were planning to do that as well.

Don’t sit in someone else’s seat

If you’ve been assigned a particular seat, sit in it – at least until you’re 100 per cent sure a seat you’d prefer is definitely empty. Choosing a random one and then being offended when the actual ticket holder asks you to move is annoying and boring. That’s why the film isn’t called Indiana Jones and the Tiresome Twat’s Cinema Seat Confusion.

Don’t bring a picnic

The rustle of sweet packets and popcorn is distracting enough without you sneaking in a lunchbox full of loud snacks, each of which needs to be individually unwrapped during pivotal moments of the film. Will the Flash have to accept he can’t change time to stop his mother being murdered? Dunno – everyone missed that bit because you’re faffing about with some dips for a massive bag of Doritos. 

Don’t treat it like a hotel room

It may be dark but everyone is very much aware of you and your partner going at it in Row G. Why didn’t you stay at home? It’s unlikely you’re being massively turned on by Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem, unless you had your first sexual experience in a vivarium. Show some decorum and f**k against a dumpster round the back of the multiplex like normal people.

Next story ›