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Middle-aged man can't understand why abusing own body isn't fun anymore

A 48-YEAR-OLD is baffled as to why body-punishing treats like staying up late, drinking whiskey and eating fry-ups are no longer fun but just hurt. 

Tom Logan booked the week off with plans to really kick out the jams like in the old days, but found he can no longer even consume a bag of Skittles Sours without his teeth hurting for a week.

He said: “The first night I was on the vodka Red Bulls, playing Sniper Elite, planning to pull an all-nighter. Why the f**k not? I love that shit.

“But my eyes hurt playing in the dark, the Red Bull made my heart race, the vodka made my guts hurt and I wanted to go to bed. Where I stayed awake until the 5am hangover kicked in.

“I got an Irn Bru and a bag of onion rings from Sainsbury’s, my patented hangover cure. It felt awful going in and made the gut situation catastrophically worse.

“I’m still feeling the fry-up I had for breakfast the following day, and watching all of Better Call Saul until 4am didn’t happen. I can’t even remember which episode I fell asleep during. Maybe the first one.”

He said: “It’s pathetic. I’m meant to be having it large this weekend. I’m getting some weed in. Last time it made me silent for an hour then sick, but I reckon that was a one-off.”

Are you accidentally being productive at work?

HAVE you accidentally accomplished something this week? Here are six ways to take the edge off it: 

Give constructive feedback

Feedback is unwanted criticism the recipient has to thank you for, which is immense fun. Spend hours crafting an email mixing feigned concern and savage insults, then enjoy a coffee while your victim crumples to nothing. For the greater good.

Have a meeting

Announce that whatever it is ‘isn’t really working by email’ and set up a meeting before anyone has a chance to fight back. Call it a check-in or sync chat so nobody’s quite sure what’s happening, then achieve nothing in a private room with biscuits.

Ask a strategy question

Wait until a big meeting with an idiot name like ‘All Hands’ or ‘Town Hall’ is wrapping up, then ask the CEO a strategy question. Makes you seem intelligent, insightful and focused on the big picture, so you’ll get promoted to waste even more time in future.

Be concerned

Being concerned is great because it takes up loads of time without accomplishing a single f**king thing. Make it nebulous, like ‘I’m concerned we’re institutionally inefficient,’ then meet stakeholders, meaning everyone in the company, and ask incisive questions like ‘How can we be better?’

Request a different format

Been sent something for feedback? Suggest they replacing the pie chart with a line graph and port it all into Keynote, then sit back and smile sweetly while others sweat blood on bollocks that doesn’t matter.

Set up an interactive session

Set up a whole-day session in an off-site venue somewhere difficult to find. Coax attendees into reaching the conclusion you prefer by giving them whiteboards and marker pens and forcing them to brainstorm in groups. Ask a volunteer from each group to awkwardly summarise their conclusions, which are all the same. Take full credit.

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