CONCERNED about the junior doctor’s strike? Worried it will bring the NHS to its knees? Learn how to live without healthcare with this guide.
Stay at home
The outside world is full of hazards like cars and foreigners. To protect yourself as much as possible, remain indoors permanently with a duvet wrapped around your fragile meat sack to shield it from sharp corners. If you can fit yourself into your freezer, put yourself into makeshift cryosleep until the strike blows over.
Sanitise everything
Just like you did at the start of the pandemic, remember? That was great fun. This way you’ll be able to ward off any pesky bacteria that might get into your body and give you a nasty infection. Either that or it’ll lower your immune system so drastically that even a big piece of pollen becomes a life-threatening risk. Anyway, try it and let us know how you get on.
Concoct your own medicines
Who needs junior doctors anyway? True patriots would much rather take back control of their healthcare by making their own. You must be able to Google a fix for a hernia or whip up a miracle elixir with the contents of your medicine cabinet, surely? Crushing up some paracetamol and stirring them into a big bowl of Calpol will likely cure what ails you.
Learn to live with pain
Is the pain of a broken bone really that bad? Don’t you think you’re being a bit dramatic writhing around in agony with kidney stones? Stop being such a woke snowflake and see these ailments for what they really are: a reminder that you’re still alive and kicking. There are plenty of dead people who would love to be in your position, so start showing some gratitude.
Give dying a try
Is death really that bad? Nobody can be 100 per cent certain. For all we know, an afterlife free from pain and suffering could be waiting for us on the other side. You’d feel like a right idiot for fretting over an underfunded NHS if there is. Why not ease pressure on hospital waiting lists by giving the big sleep a try? No no, you first, we insist.
