SUFFERING? Girlfriend implying it’s your own fault because you refuse to take the feeble medications she recommends? These are no different to homeopathy:
Deep Heat
Promises deep, penetrating relief from your aches and pains which are the inevitable consequence of old age and five-a-side and are not curable. Delivers f**k all except a burning sensation like your lower back’s had too many Chilli Heatwave Doritos. Plus your shirt is sticking to you like a cold, clammy hand and you stink.
Piriton
Accroding to the bullshit on the packaging effectively a magical cure-all, laying waste to allergies from pet hair to hayfever and irritations from insect bites to hives. Keeps fewer of its promises than a Tory election manifesto and has more unpleasant side-effects: blurred vision, nausea, vomiting and the shits? Would sneezing not be preferable?
Bonjela
Rapid relief from the discomfort of mouth ulcers? Bollocks. Though in fairness, it could be effective if the induced salivation of applying it didn’t mean you swallowed the lot within 15 seconds. Which set of reflexive actions is, according to your girlfriend, ‘your own fault’.
Vicks
Smearing this eye-watering grease beneath your nose is claimed to relieve blocked sinuses. It does, in the same way that mustard gas relieves breathing-related issues. Eyes streaming, half-blind, other senses blunted to the point of redundancy, it reduces your problems to the single, urgent need to get the f**k away from Vicks.
Lockets
Marginally ease your tickly cough and sore throat for the brief moment it takes to consume one, leaving you with a gasping thirst. And from now on, whenever you cough, a sidelong accusatory glance from the other end of the sofa reminds you it’s because you’re not currently sucking a Locket.
Gaviscon
Sending these chalky foot soldiers to wage war on your crippling acid reflux is taking on a tank with a water pistol. The tablets stick in your teeth and the liquid version is so disgusting leaves you retching, which is a useful addition to your hideous heartburn. So you don’t take it, which makes you wrong.
