subscribe
/ Sign Out

Brave anti-vaxxer to be vaccinated to prove it's bollocks

A HEROIC anti-vaxxer has volunteered to be injected with the new vaccine to expose the Covid conspiracy for the lie that it is.

Martin Bishop believes receiving the Pfizer vaccine is the only way to prove Covid is entirely fictional and governments around the world have been terrifying the public for no clear reason.

He said: “When I go to the doctor – who’s a soldier of the New World Order – she’ll fill the syringe with a clear liquid that can only be tap water. I’ll craftily take a photo.

“If I then don’t get Covid, that proves it doesn’t exist. If it’s a MKUltra-style mind control drug, that will become immediately apparent to my anti-vaxxer friends because I’ll become a mindless zombie who believes the BBC.

“It’ll be great knowing I’m safe from the virus and able to get back to normal. Sorry, I meant ‘blowing this whole Deep State Illuminati scam wide open’.”

Bishop’s GP Donna Sheridan said: “Martin’s not in a high-risk category, but I’ll break medical guidelines to vaccinate him if it means he’ll f**k off.”

'The sponge' and five other household objects too manky to think about

WE live alongside a whole host of everyday objects too repellent to ever allow ourselves to dwell on. These filthy six are in your home: 

The kitchen sponge

It’s steeped in warm water and foamy suds every day, so it’s basically self-cleaning, right? So ignore the brown stains and the smell, like a dead mouse behind the dryer. Until it physically disintegrates it’s a waste to change it. Best to go on living in quiet fear.

Your water bottle

You’re an environmental hero with an expensive, fancy bottle that makes all water taste a little bit weird. Why wedge a washing-up brush into its murky inside when you can give it a half-hearted monthly rinse? You’re saving the planet and keeping healthy by swilling mould.

Your phone

It’s the first thing you reach for after clearing up the baby’s vomit, and toilet visits without it are lost and alone. And yet you happily plonk it down on kitchen surfaces and snuggle up next to it in bed. Let’s be honest: you’re in love, and love sees past little things like deadly bacteria.

Your slippers

You wedge your bare feet into these filth-ridden stench pouches without a second thought. You’ve never even considered washing them and you never wash your feet. They should have an embroidered biohazard symbol on the toes.

Your computer keyboard

How many solid years of service has your keyboard provided without once getting so much as a disinfectant wipe? Where are you supposed to find time for that when there are YouTube wormholes to lose yourself down? It was new in 2013 so it’s fine.

Your genitals

So many crevices, so much casual oozing. No matter how much hot water or fancy soap you slosh on them, they can never truly be clean.

Next story ›