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Woman's whole personality is eating seeds as a snack

A WOMAN’S colleagues have discovered that her entire character is limited to the fact that she will turn down crisps for a handful of seeds.

Co-workers of Lucy Parry were initially amazed that she actually chose a handful of sunflower seeds over biscuits, and she quickly because an office celebrity before the mass realisation that there is literally nothing else to her.

Manager Eleanor Shaw said: “It was like a circus performance at first. People would drop by from other departments at 11am just to witness her pecking away at sunflower seeds and calling them a ‘treat’.

“But every conversation with her is about seeds. Every single one. Even when you think she’s stopped trying to convert others it’s only because her mouth’s full. Of seeds.

“We’ve discussed every possible thing about them by now. How they’re full of healthy fats, important vitamins, minerals and antioxidants. We’ve even had a detailed breakdown of how their high fibre content has improved her bowel movements.

“It’s making the rest of us look bad. My strawberry yogurt, which I only had because the bitch tuts at a mid-morning Aero, was met with ‘I couldn’t handle something that sugary’. Well I couldn’t handle snacking like a f**king sparrow, but here we are.”

Colleague Martin Bishop said: “I tried chatting to her, because she’s hot, and discovered a second dimension to her personality. Unfortunately it’s open-water swimming.”

Psychological tests, a 8,000-word essay and your first-born child: what job interviews demand these days

A CHRONIC labour shortage hasn’t stopped the audacity of prospective employers. Here’s what they now demand: 

Cover letter

Not new, but regardless a hated first step in any application process. It’s self-explanatory that you want the job or you wouldn’t be applying, but you’re required to politely spell it out for them even though the only reasonable cover letter reads: ‘Dear Sir, ignore this and read my CV’.

Application form

You will be required to submit a fully complete, flawless CV. And then you will be required to transcribe the entire thing into stupid little boxes for an application form. It’ll only take two-three hours, or twice that if the janky online employment portal crashes. Then in the interview they’ll say ‘tell us about your background’ because they have not read it.

A preliminary interview

Why not suit up, head to our office, do your research on the company, memorise several answers about your previous experience, take a day’s leave from your current job and sit through an entire interview that doesn’t actually count?

A psychometric test

Employers now attempt to root out psychos with detailed personality tests. What they get are people who are willing to randomly click through psychometric tests while watching Love Island.

An 8,000 word essay

There’s no better way of testing applicants’ committment than asking them to write a university dissertation about a minor aspect of the business. And there’s nothing more useless than a dissertation written by someone who doesn’t even work in your business, so it goes straight in the bin.

The proper interview

The hiring managers couldn’t possibly waste their precious time attending every interview. So they waste yours instead, making you come back and say the same shit with a different set of hoops to leap through. Now shut up and tell us what your superpower would be.

Your first-born child

Down as ‘optional’ on the application, but you need to know it will reflect badly on you if you don’t sign the release.

Never contacting you again

After all of the bullshit above, the final, most fiendish test of the recruitment process comes in the form of disappearing like a piss off a skyscraper. Three months later you get a generic rejection email three months later that doesn’t even address you by name. They hired an internal candidate.

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