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Woman needs cup of tea to summon energy to make tea

A WOMAN who badly needs a cup of tea to get anything done is unable to make one because she needs one so badly. 

Emma Bradford has resumed working from home today, but so far has done nothing but stare longingly at the empty space where a steaming cup of tea would be if only she had one.

She said: “Where is my tea? Why is the kitchen so far away? How can this ever end?

“This is why people get married. My mum always said ‘you’ll change your mind someday’ and I have. Not because of babies or companionship but because I need tea. Lovely tea.

“I could call Deliveroo to bring me tea but they’d make it wrong and it’d be cold and I’d have to go to the door which is further than the kettle. It’s an unsolvable conundrum.

“Maybe I should set up a kettle here on the coffee table, and replace this side table with a small fridge for milk. Or move into a hotel.

“The trouble is, the necessary brainpower and energy for all of this requires caffeine.

“I’ll just stay here a bit longer.”

'Wet January' and four other ways to cure the New Year blues

THE new year can be a difficult time for many, especially after 12 months of bloody 2020. Here are some surefire ways to shake off the January blues: 

E-resign

Let’s face it, it’s probably your job that’s making you unhappy. So take advantage of being able to resign via Zoom. Nothing will perk you up more than calling your boss a twat, giving them the double Vs then closing your laptop like a coward before they bollock you.

Do ‘Wet January’

Sure, Dry January is healthy and for a great cause. But why pick such a depressing month not to drink? Give the opposite a try. Drink for 31 days straight. Bonus points for trying a different beverage on each day. Bonus bonus points for not ending up in rehab.

Hibernate like a bear

No one can feel bad in bed. Make yourself a tent out of a duvet and pillows and wait for this whole January thing to blow over. You can’t literally hibernate but you probably bought enough Christmas provisions to see you through another month. Admittedly, you might be approaching the lower reaches of your Netflix account, so prepare to binge six seasons of Dawson’s Creek.

Travel 

You might not be able to visit the country you want to, but be creative. Apparently Turkmenistan is particularly bracing at this time of year. Hop on a flight to Ashgabat, buy yourself a delicious bowl of plov and get ready to enjoy the world’s fourth largest reserves of natural gas.

Take up a hobby

Hobbies can be a real tonic during the dark evenings and depressing weather. Perhaps use 2020 as inspiration and finally start building that panic room, become a backstreet dentist or dabble at making a mutant Covid vaccine in your bathtub.

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