WHO needs tomatoes and peppers when we’ve got delicious British vegetables like swede and cabbage? Here is Roy Hobbs’ guide to avoiding traitorous EU produce.
Cabbage
Why fanny around reducing luscious tomatoes into a tasty ragu when you could chop up a tough old cabbage and boil it into submission? The overly emotional Italians make a bloody fuss about everything, whereas us Brits know you have to like it or lump it. It’s how we single-handedly won the war. Don’t you dare mention America.
Cauliflower
Cauliflower looks horrible and smells like farts, which makes it a classic British vegetable. There’s only one way to cook it, which is to simmer it into a tasteless mush like my old mum used to. And you don’t slice it into so-called ‘steaks’ like in veggie restaurants. If you do I’ll call the police as you’ve obviously been injecting LSD with your hippy vegan anarchist mates.
Swede
The swede has a suspicious European name, but it grows in abundance down the allotment so I’ll allow it. Can’t really do anything with it apart from mash it and then be disappointed it’s not potato, but this country was built on disappointment and look at us now. We’re miserable and poor, but we’ve escaped the tyranny of Brussels. I’d eat gravel if I thought it would piss off Ursula von der Leyen. And I’d bloody well enjoy it!
Jerusalem artichoke
Even more horribly foreign-sounding, but also the name of that hymn about how brilliant England is, so swings and roundabouts. This vegetable is a tricky little bugger that’s a nightmare to deal with and ultimately more trouble than it’s worth. My wife said it’s a good metaphor for Brexit, which made me sulk in the garage for three days.
Potatoes
Who wants metropolitan elite rubbish like raspberries, peppers or broccoli when you can enjoy the great British spud? Especially deep fried and covered in salt, which is the best way to enjoy any kind of food. It’s called ‘cuisine’, and we invented it, you European plebs.
