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UK enters 'grudgingly accepting an outside table at a restaurant' season

BRITAIN has entered the four-month period where they will be offered an outdoor table by a waiter and unwillingly accept it. 

Not wanting to be rude, the nation’s diners will feel unable to refuse a suggestion they eat al fresco for fear of looking graceless and unsophisticated.

Hannah Tomlinson said: “It’s not as if they charge less for food.

“It costs the same as if you were inside, protected from shivering at every passing cloud, not batting away insects, pigeons, and street drinkers. And the chair’s metal and my arse is freezing.

“Personally, I enjoy my orecchiette with chilli and lemon less when people keep walking past with their shopping, but demanding to be under a roof would be so uncontinental and Brexity.”

Waitress Lucy Parry said: “I tell them it’ll be a 45-minute wait or seating on our heated patio. It’s a lie, but I love watching them squirm.

“It’s also a lie about the patio being heated.”

Get your Suella Braverman White Person Guilt Exemption card here

SUELLA Braverman, by the powers granted her as a non-white Conservative, has granted you as a white person exemption from guilt. Collect your card here. 

Please provide proof of citizenship, proof of whiteness, and proof that your ancestors, an area you live or a business you worked for profited from the slave trade. This can be provided by the Guardian.

Present yourself at your local town hall. Suella herself cannot be on hand to bless you but municipal staff are empowered to exempt you from guilt for slavery, and their skin colour is irrelevant to you.

Avow that it was a long time ago, that you do not care if people are pink with yellow dots, and that you personally enoy the works of Bob Marley/Lee Scratch Perry/Sean Paul (by preference).

You will be photographed looking like you have nothing to apologise for and given your White Person Guilt Exemption card. This lasts for 20 years or until the end of your natural life, which will come first.

This card may now be presented at any occasion where you may be expected to feel white guilt, including plays at the Barbican, the British Museum and prominent city centre memorials to slave-traders.

It also confers on the bearer full and final proof that their political views are not racist. Go, and enjoy your guilt-free world.

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