EVERY man loves to cook for his family under a very specific set of circumstances that occurs no more than three times a year. Here’s how to do it middle-aged style:
Choose an uncomfortably hot day
There’s no point firing up the barbecue when it’s overcast. Only showcase your culinary skills on the hottest day of the year so guests will be dizzy with heat stroke while they sit on the patio hearing you reflect on the mysteries of charcoal.
Take two hours to light it
Lighting a barbecue is an art, so make it clear that it is near-impossible, only years of training has enabled you to master it and nobody must interfere. Even when you get some flames going, insist that they are not the right type of flames for the superior grilling that awaits your diners.
Let others assist
You’re taking charge of the cooking, so you can’t be distracted by any of the prep. Leave the marinading, the chopping, the skewering and the washing up to the kitchen people ie your wife, and ensure they know you cannot leave the barbecue unattended for even a moment.
Kill anyone who touches the tongs
The barbecue is your realm, and so you are right to destroy anyone who dares interfere with the turning of the meat. Having invested in some premium long locking stainless-steel tongs, under no circumstances allow their holiness to be tainted.
Only you may pronounce the burgers ready
Never forget that you know best. If those burgers need to be blackened in order to reach the elusive ‘cooked through’ status, then so be it. Your instincts are honed through several days of experience at the grill and no-one should doubt your judgement.
Expect praise for the rest of the year
Preparing one or two outstanding meals for friends and family a year is a feat few humans ever achieve and as such you deserve commendation, respect and a rest. Halfway through any roast dinner prepared by someone else is a perfect moment to remember the incredible feast you blessed the world with six months earlier.
