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Six ways street food is far worse than regular food

EATING from little huts is cool and trendy, but at what financial and emotional cost? These once-exhilarating outlets are now worse than an Asda ready meal: 

Costs shitloads

Want a small wrap or even just a plate of loaded fries? Squint to avoid seeing the cost and losing your appetite, because it’s more than a week’s shopping at Aldi. As you watch a teenager slap it together in seconds, you wonder how much the overheads of a painted van can possibly be. Your burrito tastes like ashes as you smart from payment.

Small portions

Unless you’ve savvily watched other market goers, you’re expecting a tray groaning with dumplings for your £14. Walking away, you lift garnishes and realise you’ve got the equivalent of small fries from McDonald’s. The irony of then having to buy large fries from McDonald’s because you’re still f**king hungry does not bring you mirth.

Useless tableware

Whether it’s paper tubs or endless wrapping, your hard-earned bounty will be presented in a manner detrimental to consumption.  Armed with flimsy wooden cutlery, you’ll expend most of the calories of the meal trying to hack it into sensible pieces. For the eager punter who goes straight in, the pinoy pork skewers’ artistic presentation will ruin your shirt.

Probably bad for you

Much street food is genuinely delicious, due to being fried like a Glasgow Mars Bar then drowned in every sugared condiment known to man. The vendor’s cheery on-the-go-vibe and vague exoticism mask that you’ve inhaled the amount of fat recommended in a month.

Awkward waiting period

Restaurants bring you your food. Street food makes you live life on the edge as you hover or watch your defective buzzer until the food gods deign to summon you. Having to weave through crowds to track down and protect your precious chilli dog takes you back to the hunter-gatherer days, when everyone ate outside in the pissing rain.

Influencers ruin everything

When a genuine gem pops up, you can rely on TikTok twats to ruin it. Your breezy, spontaneous lunch becomes the Hunger Games as you’re herded into the crowd of followers who must be pictured with the deep-fried bean curd clusters you discovered on Tuesday. You’re served after 45 minutes and eat in the only free spot, by the bins.

Get back in the office or you're fired and fill in your satisfaction survey positively: five contradictory statements from human resources

HUMAN resources want to fully exploit their humans as a resource and for them to be happy about it. These are the contradictory messages you will get this week:

Return to the office full-time and give your work-life balance a thumbs-up

The CEO has had enough. Return to the office five days a week or face disciplinary action. And when back at your desk, on time because you’re not lying on your sofa now, can you complete this employee engagement survey glowingly? We’ll bludgeon you with emails about something called a ‘net promoter score’ until you do.

We really care about your wellbeing, work harder or else

Take regular breaks and look after your mental health because we really care about you as an individual, as long as it doesn’t impinge on a moment of your working hours. We have aggressive quarterly targets to hit. You can manage your so-called wellness on a Sunday, like Victorian mill workers.

Bond as a team over drinks but do not bond too much or get drunk

Effective teams work, rest and play together in an atmosphere of psychological safety. Alcohol is provided at work events but if you fail to draw the line at exactly the right point – before getting your cock out – you will be fired. Enjoy negotiating all that while shitfaced.

We are always here for you and never contact us directly

We are dedicated to meeting your needs, it is the reason we exist, and we refuse to directly interact with you. Emails will not be answered. Our phone number is for senior managers only. To report a serious grievance or get answers to crucial legal questions, complete our intranet form with a ten-day response time.

We’re dedicated to your personal improvement and here’s your devastatingly low performance rating

Requires Development may seem like a punch in the stomach, given all your unpaid overtime while your mum was ill, but we are laser-focused on bringing you to your full potential. Your Performance Improvement Plan certainly isn’t the beginning of manoeuvring you out of the business without paying notice. That would make us monsters.

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