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Restaurant gives vegan dishes ridiculous punning names to make the bastards suffer

A RESTAURANT has deliberately given vegan dishes stupid play-on-words names to make its herbivorous clientele feel like idiots, it has emerged.

Eatery owner Norman Steele freely admits he could save vegans the humiliation of asking for a Not Dog or a PepperoNAY pizza, but fails to see where the fun would be in that.

He said: “Vegans have brought this embarrassment on themselves by being so self-righteous. If they were cool about their lifestyle choice I’d happily rename the Chickain’t skewers to something less degrading. But they aren’t, so I won’t.

“Instead, I like to watch them squirm while weighing up their limited options. Should they go for the Toona casserole? The Tofurky burger? Or the house speciality, the Sala-me’s-a-picky-bugger club sandwich? I love it when they order that last one.

“Meanwhile the ground-up dead cow flanks and reconstituted snouts that my carnivorous customers eat will be given sensible names like ‘burgers’ and ‘lasagne’. If I made them self-conscious I’d be out of business.”

Vegan Martin Bishop said: “I’m statistically more likely to live up to nine years longer but I think I’d prefer a premature death to ordering food that sounds like it came from a Dr. Seuss book.”

A TV on the floor, and other signs you're visiting a tragic man-boy house

THE state of a man’s home will instantly reveal if he has an inner adolescence he never grew out of. Look for these warning signs.

A TV on the floor

Unlike all of the other furnishings in the house, the television, and accompanying games console and soundbar, will be top of the line and immaculately maintained. However, it will be on the floor, because who can be f**ked to buy a bit of furniture to put it on?

A harrowing cosmetics selection

A sliver of hairy soap, an empty tube of toothpaste and seven cans of Lynx Africa. This guy claims to be a 32-year-old marketing manager but there’s a smelly teenager inside him screaming to get out.

A Pulp Fiction poster

Even though the rest of the world moved on from thinking of Quentin Tarantino as the epitome of edgy cool two decades ago, this man’s cultural compass is firmly stuck at being 13 and hearing people say ‘motherf**ker’ a lot. Bonus points if it’s unframed and curling off the wall at one corner.

Broken things

Taps, tables, doors, wiring: if it’s not a matter of life and death, then it’s not worth the effort of getting it repaired. And even if it is life and death, it will continue to be ignored if it will cost money to fix that could be spent on cans of Monster.

‘Cool’ knick-knacks

There’s a beer bottle from Bruges, a rock shaped like a penis, several obscure Star Wars figures and a lot of other tat crammed on one wonky shelf in the living room. He sees these items as fun conversation starters. You see them as proof you’re dating a man with the mind of a child.

A barren fridge

You won’t find fresh fruit or vegetables here. Instead it contains nine different brands of hot sauce, a half-drunk bottle of flat Fanta, and a four-day-old slice of pizza which you will be offered for dinner.

Filth

Don’t look at anything too closely, as it will be covered in a film of grease to which are stuck billions of sloughed off skin cells and the odd pube. And for the love of God don’t use the toilet.

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