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Mum puts kids' dinners straight in bin to save time

A MUM has started putting her children’s dinners directly into the bin to save a whole load of fucking time and effort.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford decided it was much easier to dispose of her lovingly prepared meals right away, rather than have a three-hour row with her family about it first.

She said: “I’ve had enough of serving up delicious home-cooked meals only for my children to behave as if I’ve done an actual shit on their plates.

“It used to take two hours just to get my three-year-old to eat one single pea and I once had to pay my son a tenner to lick a cottage pie. It was getting ridiculous.   

“But since I started serving their food straight into the bin, there’ve been no more arguments. And once they realise they’re starving they’re soon rummaging through the bin for something to eat.

“I’m slightly concerned about germs but it’s worth it for stress-free dinner times. We love our ‘bin dinners’.”

How to tell how pissed you are

AFTER consuming large amounts of alcohol it’s not always easy to tell exactly how shitfaced you are. Find out where you are on the ‘pissedness scale’ with our scientific guide.

You are quite talkative

This is fine. You are enjoying alcohol responsibly and having fun. FOR GOD’S SAKE STOP DRINKING NOW BEFORE IT ALL GOES TO SHIT. Pissedness level: 1

You have become really funny

Except you haven’t. Your anecdote about being served lukewarm chips in the company canteen was not a brilliant, carefully honed comedy routine, and your humorous jibes directed at Gareth were only laughed at because everyone fucking hates Gareth. Pissedness level: 2

You can easily handle lots more booze

The pints are slipping down effortlessly, making you wonder why you never realised before that you were a legendary drinker like Richard Burton, and probably more talented. Time for another round! Pissedness level: 3

You are talking absolute bollocks

Why the fuck are you having an increasingly aggressive argument about Line of Duty being “total shit”, even though you’ve only seen half an episode? Pissedness level: 4

You are definitely in with a chance with that very attractive random stranger

Extreme danger territory. Even if you look like Chris Hemsworth or Margot Robbie, a total stranger may have reservations about going home with someone who keeps robotically slurring the words “So what sort of peanuts do YOU like?”. Pissedness level: 5

If you stop concentrating your mouth hangs open

Right. Your motor functions are going. Stop drinking NOW before your sense of balance packs in and you collapse onto that table full of empty – oh. Too late. Pissedness level: Embarrassment for weeks or years to come.

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