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Man determined to be waiter's favourite customer ever

A DINER at a restaurant will do whatever it takes to be the waiter’s favourite customer of all time, his girlfriend has confirmed. 

Martin Bishop has embarked on a mission to gain the validation, appreciation and friendship of a 20-year-old part-time server with a man bun who is only trying to provide him with a breakfast burrito.

Girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “If it’s busy, Martin forbids me from frustration because he did a two-week placement at his nan’s tearoom in Hythe so ‘really gets the pressures of the service industry’.

“When the waiter comes over he’s grotesquely over-friendly, referring to him as ‘pal’ and ‘chum’ and once asking if he was in a band ‘because you look like a guitarist, chief’.

“He’s pained by asking him to bring food to the table, over-compliments to the point the waiter is forced to stress he’s straight, and compliments the meal so graphically the man unconsciously edges away.

“The tip is lavish, goodbyes are said and as we walk away Martin’s glancing over his shoulder to see if his special friend is at the door to give him a goodbye wave. It’s pathetic. But better than being a rude wanker.”

Waiter Oliver O’Connor said: “We get a lot of this. I call them ‘mate’ to see the joy in their eyes then delay their order just to savour their inner torment.”

The top six things to eat at 2am pissed: ranked

SHITFACED way after midnight? Illogically hungry? These are the foods you will stumblingly prepare yourself, ranked from worst to best: 

Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodle

Minimum effort for minimum satisfaction, but pissed you considers this the perfect compromise between curry and a Chinese given than both takeaways are shut. Boil the kettle, boil it again when you realise you’ve fallen asleep at the kitchen table, prepare by adding boiling water, leave to mature while you get more wine, discover the next morning. Your intestinal tract will thank you.

Cereal

It is, in fact, morning, so what could possibly go wrong with a bowl of Frosties? Apart from you keep missing your mouth with the spoon, they’re horribly soggy, the milk is curdling in your alcohol-acidic mouth and, it turns out, this is the perfect meal to induce vomiting in the kitchen sink. Still, better out than in.

Pizza

Sensibly, like the responsible drunk the adverts tell you to be, you know you’re too leathered to cook. But in need of an extra pepperoni Meat Feast you negotiate your rebelliously uncoordinated fingers through the Dominos app and sink into the sofa in relief. The next morning you find a pizza box abandoned on your doorstep in the rain. Then eat the pizza.

An unwise amount of crisps

Even struggling to focus you can open crisps. Stuffing fistfuls into your mouth, picking the remainder from the sofa and the floor, creating flavour combinations like roast chicken followed by pickled onion Monster Munch, you feast like a motherf**king king. Feign innocence the following day, when your children have nothing for their lunches.

Kebab

Kebab shops stay open late because they know their product is only palatable when it is too late, and their customers too drunk. Delighted by their easy convenience you join the queue, narrowly avoid a fight, order one with ‘all the shit and extra chilli sauce’, narrowly avoid a second fight and let your arsehole regret it in the morning.

Chip butty, white bread, red sauce

Once the idea enters your smashed mind nothing else will do. There are oven chips in the freezer which you’re too impatient to cook properly, bread, ketchup. It tastes like heaven. Your bowels will be clogged solid for a week, but who cares? This is living.

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