THE totally tropical soft drink beloved by barely anybody passed away peacefully yesterday evening, it has been confirmed.
Lilt, the pineapple and grapefruit-flavoured child of the Coca-Cola Company, died on 13th February 2023, aged 48, due to lack of consumer interest.
Known for its cloudy piss appearance and sickliness, Lilt will be remembered as the drink people only bought if there was nothing else left on supermarket shelves, not even Sprite.
Those who had the misfortune to drink Lilt will not forget its strange, unpleasant taste. The best word to describe it was citric, which barely sums it up. Like a fruit-flavoured carbonated urinal cake, there was a reason you never drank it.
The loss of Lilt has been met with a public outpouring of ambivalence except for those few who have fond memories of it in childhood. Their apparent grief stands at odds with their neglect of Lilt while it persisted, as ignored as Prince’s last seven albums.
And the jingle of its 1980s adverts, while remembered, now brings the realisation that those adverts were not crafted with today’s racial sensitivities and are best not dwelled on.
Outside of being an unpopular soft drink, Lilt contributed nothing to the local community. It never taught piano to children or ladled soup to the homeless. It did not have a remarkable past and it never loved you. There is nothing to be sad about here.
Lilt is survived by a Fanta rebrand which is promised to taste exactly the same anyway, so mourners have been advised to get over it.
