THEY used to be everywhere. It’s all your sister’s asked you to get in return for her laying on the whole Christmas day. But have you left it too late for a cheap tub of Heroes?
STEP ONE: ASDA
You pop in to Asda, remembering all those tubs they were punting out for under a fiver week ago, when you laughed at their pathetic attempts to scare customers into stocking up early. ‘Consumerism run rampant,’ you quipped. All tubs are now £6. No ‘buy two for £9’ offers or anything.
STEP TWO: SAINSBURY’S
Decrying Asda for leaving the working man behind, you reason that given everything else at Sainsbury’s costs shitloads so they’ll do cheap chocolates as a loss-leader. You’ll get them, no fear, and your sister won’t pull that face she does implying you’ve let the family down. Shit. They’re £6 here as well. You’re not paying that, the rip-off bastards.
STEP THREE: TESCO
Aha! All you need these days is your Clubcard and you get money off, that’s how it works! You’ll be walking in there in Christmas day with a tub under each arm as well as the big presents you’ve got for her kids, even though they’re little shits who ask why you never have a girlfriend. £6 in here as well? No way. It’s not the money, it’s the principle now.
STEP FOUR: WAITROSE
Okay, you’re officially desperate. But you never know, Waitrose might come up trumps. It’s kind of like those movies about finding the true meaning of Christmas in the most unlikely location – you’ll find a bargain where you never expected one, in this den of posh twats. What’s this, and in a metal tin? A £12 con with barely more than is in the tubs. Wankers.
STEP FIVE: AMAZON
What were you thinking, shopping IRL? Everyone gets everything online these days. A quick search and… ah. It seems to be one of those items Amazon’s weird about and sells for twice the normal retail price. Or more. Plus delivery.
STEP SIX: MORRISONS
The most Northern of supermarkets surely understands. Like a tight Yorkshireman, it knows there’s a reasonable price that shouldn’t be exceeded. At this point you’d settle for £5.25 and offer the cashier a handshake. No. Six quid like they’re all in the same f**king cartel. You part with £12 for two tubs, like you could have an hour ago. F**k Christmas.
