YOU need a bit of salad to make your meals less carb-intensive, but can you find a cucumber f**king anywhere? Try your luck with our interactive game:
1. You note that the vegetable drawer in your fridge is empty, and boldy decide to venture out and purchase some greens. To visit Sainsbury’s, go to 2 or to visit Tesco, go to 3.
2. You enter Sainsbury’s only to be confronted with shelf after shelf of empty green crates, as if stripped bare by a plague of rabbits. Deciding that is typical of their middle-class clientele, you head to Tesco. Go to 3.
3. The fresh section of your local Tesco Extra is denuded of all vegetables like a Soviet shop in 1975. Blaming panic buyers, you assure yourself it can’t be like this everywhere. To visit Morrisons go to 4, or to pop into Asda go to 5.
4. Oddly, despite Morrisons being largely frequented by Northerners, there are no cucumbers, courgettes, or any other vegetables there either. Must have been raided by militant vegans. Surely there’ll be some at Asda. Go to 5.
5. Even Asda, whose shoppers are only familiar with a single vegetable and that in chopped, fried and frozen form, does not have any cucumbers. It’s getting weird now. To nip to the Co-op, go to 6. To try your local corner shop, go to 7.
6. You should have tried the Co-op to begin with, you think as you enter, because its shoppers only buy booze and fags so they’ll have loads of cucumbers. They don’t have any. How can this be? In desperation you run to the corner shop. Go to 7.
7. The smiling proprietor of your local shop, who never lets you down and can provide turkey basters on Christmas Day, explains there are no cucumbers, that no suppliers can provide them, and that the earliest you can expect to see one is May. Go to 8.
8. Returning home, you sit down to a meal without sliced cucumber, leading inevitably to high cholesterol, blocked arteries and an early death. No politician has anything to say about this so it can’t be Brexit’s fault. Maybe they never existed?
