subscribe
/ Sign Out

Britain remembers when it could afford disgrace of buying imported cheese

THE people of Britain are fondly reminiscing about the good old days when the country could afford the disgrace of importing two-thirds of its cheese.

With the economy continuing to crash, Britons have been wistfully looking back on the halcyon days of 2014 when Liz Truss warned everyone about the country’s shameful but affordable cheese importing habit.

James Bates from Stevenage said: “It feels like a lifetime ago. We were snapping up brie from France and Edam from the Netherlands without worrying about the cost. You couldn’t get away with that anymore.

“Back then nobody gave a shit whether there was a little Union Jack on a cheddar label or not. So long as it smelt strong and tasted good we were happy. Nowadays we can’t even stretch to buying Babybels.”

Nikki Hollis from Durham said: “It’s the younger generations I feel sorry for. They’ll never know the decadent thrill of idly tossing a Camembert wheel into their shopping basket without having to take out a loan from the bank.

“Let’s not get carried away with nostalgia though. The pound may be worthless but at least we’re not recklessly spunking cash on foreign cheese. We are no longer an international embarrassment.”

How to take your mind off your impending f**king doom this weekend

THE country is doomed. Your job, your house, your pension and everything you’ve ever worked for will soon be gone. Here’s how to not think about it:

Immerse yourself in dystopias

Whether a dystopian sci-fi TV show, book or video game, dedicate the next two days to life in a blasted, broken future where the survivors eke out lives in the wasteland that is all that remains of civilisation, and try to pick up tips while reassuring yourself there probably won’t be zombies.

Embrace Buddhism

Buddhists don’t need any stuff as you shortly won’t, so there’s never been a better time to find inner peace. Shave your head, sit in the lotus position and meditate on whether all homeless people have beards or all beards long for homelessness.

Get ill

In these comparatively easy times, before winter starts to bite and there’s still a roof over your head, a cold is a minor inconvenience. Catch one and languish in bed sneezing, blowing your nose and swigging Lucozade. Looking back, these will be the good times.

Watch a drama about Boris

Recall the happy period of the pandemic lockdown, when you were warm in your house you could afford, by watching This England about Boris Johnson’s Covid experience. Chuckle at the naïve scriptwriters who had no idea he was hosting wild parties throughout.

Learn to skateboard

Skateboarding notoriously inflicts many injuries on the learner, and nothing concentrates the mind on the present like severe pain. A few tumbles down a concrete half-pipe – especially if you’re unfit and over 40 – and you won’t give a thought to the infinite misery of your future.

Go to the pub

There will still be pubs in the future, but only in historical parks which explain that once ordinary working people had enough spare cash to stand at the ‘bar’ and buy ‘pints’ of ‘lager’. Take part in the final days of a national pastime soon to be as lost to us as bear-baiting.

Next story ›