BRITAIN’S water companies have spilled record amounts of raw sewage into our rivers and seas, proving the doubters wrong. How are you thanking them?
Steve Malley, gardener: “I’ll be taking the kids down to the seaside this weekend for an Easter shite-shoot. It’s like clay pigeon shooting, but more earthy and real.”
Josh Gardner, social media manager: “Somebody had to stop the liberal elite craze for wild swimming. I applaud the water companies for stepping up.”
Joanna Kramer, percussionist: “If processed food is bad, so are processed turds. That’s logic.”
Frankie Johnson, teacher: “Back in the day, British seas and rivers were alive with fresh human shit. We also had a globe-spanning empire. Coincidence?”
Nikki Hollis, investment analyst: “Look, I share everyone’s jubilation. I just worry that they’re going to use this as an excuse to charge us more.”