WANT to ignore the world boiling in front of your eyes for no reason other than pure reactionary spite? Expert-hater Roy Hobbs shares his tips.
Doubt the science
Who’s telling us the world has entered a new age of global boiling? Woke scientists and politically correct pencil-pushers at the UN. That means it’s part of a baffling political agenda to make straight white men like me slightly worse off. But I can combat their so-called ‘empirical data’ with something much more powerful: what Brian says in the pub.
Point out that it’s chucking it down here
Southern Europe is ablaze, or so the establishment says. But how can that be the case when Britain has had the wettest July on record? Those two unrelated facts don’t add up, which means the whole global boiling theory is bullshit. Explain two different things happening at the same time, leftie scientists! Oh, you can’t. What a surprise.
Sneer at protestors
Look at those jobless Just Stop Oil crusties. Blocking roads and ruining tennis matches. But all that awareness-raising didn’t stop global boiling*, did it? Now I think I’ll pretend this is much funnier than it is, like every f**king gammon online. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! I love to drink the tears of tofu-munching greenies! That’s told them.
*Not that I believe in it, of course.
Get your information from weird places
The mainstream media is saying that global boiling is real, but they’ve got a track record of being wrong about things I’m uneducated about. I prefer to reinforce my ill-informed hunches with the equally deranged opinions of online strangers. With a controversial topic like climate change, there’s only one way to be sure the information you’re getting is reliable: look for people with lots of Union Jacks in their Twitter name.
If in doubt, blame foreigners
If global boiling does exist foreigners are definitely to blame somehow. Small boats probably have a massive carbon footprint, and jetting them off to Rwanda, which is entirely their fault, can’t be good for the environment either. Also, foreigners eat a lot of hot food like curries. That’s probably the real cause of ‘global boiling’ but everyone’s too woke to admit it.
