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Student house rat infestation is a status symbol

STUDENTS think having rats shitting in their kitchen is cool, it has emerged.

As figures show 25 per cent of student homes have vermin, undergraduates said they often boasted to friends about rat faeces in their living quarters.

Bristol student and filthy shared house resident Roy Hobbs said: “The rat in our cupboard is called ‘Bowie’.

“We don’t try to kill him, block up his hole or call Environmental Health because having a rat in the house is one of those things that makes you feel a bit more interesting and original. Like a tattoo.

“If he shits on our food we just buy more food. Or if a housemate dies of Weil’s Disease, we get a new housemate.”

Modern youth not starting a subculture unless they get paid for it

TEENAGERS are refusing to start an era-defining subculture unless there’s money involved.

Generation Y kids say they have the raw energy to create something way better than rave or punk, but first they would like to know who’s sponsoring it.

17-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “We’ve got great concepts interweaving music, drugs and politics in radical new ways that will change the world forever.

“But first we need a cash injection to get our subculture through the development stage.

“It’s not like we’re doing this just for the fun of it.

“Ultimately there will be revenue streams from downloads, merch and corporate endorsements. But we need investment capital.”

Teenagers are hinting at something ‘really big’ possibly called ‘Snung’ which over people 30 cannot relate to on any level.

16-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “It’s not just drum machines and weird hats, it’s something altogether different involving psychic powers and colours you can hear.

“But I want the government, my parents or any corporation to give me £60 per hour to think about this, otherwise we’ll all have to keep flogging rave to death, or just being into 80s charty hip hop in a semi-ironic way.””

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