subscribe
/ Sign Out

Humanity virus almost cured, says planet

PLANET Earth is celebrating after a major breakthrough in its battle against the deadly humanity virus.

Earth has spent millions of years trying to eradicate the bipedal plague that had been multiplying uncontrollably on its surface.

Humanity had developed a resistance to custom-made diseases like the plague, but Earth believes this has almost been overcome.

The planet said: “Beating antibiotics is a big breakthrough and I’m really excited about getting rid of these fuckers.

“I had hoped that we could co-exist but then they started drilling into my crust and it was really incredibly itchy.

“I’ve developed these kick-ass new bacteria, they kill humans in the most horrible ways imaginable with loads of spurting and wailing.

“But you can’t be sentimental about it, it’s not like they’re fully sentient or anything.”

Earth added: “Apparently not all humans are bad. The right sort of ‘friendly humans’ can contribute to a healthy ecosystem.

“You get them in special yoghurts.”

 

 

Richard and Judy's space-relationship tips

ADVICE for the middle-aged couple undertaking a manned mission to Mars, with Richard and Judy.

Richard: “Firstly, you’ll need to think carefully about what to pack. In space, glare can be a real problem so I’d invest in decent shades. Judy and I bought Oakleys for going skiiing in Grenoble last year and they looked mega cool.”

Judy: “I sat on mine but they still work.”

Richard: “Good driving music is essential. Not a lot of people know this but Judy and I have pretty eclectic taste. Just last week, we listened to the Mumford and Sons CD eight times on the way home from the Lakes. Our house loves The Mumf.”

Judy: “Richard has his own name for them. But seriously, a stunning voice. So eclectic.”

Richard: “It’s important to find ways to alleviate boredom on such a long trip too. I recommend some fantasy role play to spice things up – interplantery style! Pretend you’re two strangers meeting in a classy hotel bar. Jude and I do this at the local Ibis: I like to pretend I’m Michael Buerk and – you tell them who you are, Judes!”

Judy: “Well, I like to go Cheryl Cole because I’m really good at the accent – PET!”

Richard: “Grrrr! Anwyay, let’s just say when Cheryl and Michael get together, they don’t need solar radiation to get things a little twisted!”

Judy: “Haha, yes. Quite.”

Richard: “We had to think long and hard about the effect of space radiation on our reproductive organs. Were we ready for infertility? More importantly, were we ready to spawn some mutant lizard space baby? We weighed up the pros and cons, and realised we’d probably create a superhuman, like Hayden Panettiere in Heroes. Hayden would be a welcome addition to the party, the more people there are to play twenty questions, the better.”

Judy: “Are you a black, male cookery host?”

Richard: “Not now, darling.”

 

 

Next story ›