Green Campaign Urges Drivers To Get Wedged Under Lorry

THE government's latest green motoring campaign is urging drivers to switch off their engines and get wedged under a massive lorry.

Ministers say the scheme could cut CO2 emissions by seven percent over the next three years and will only be mind-buggeringly terrifying for the first hour or so.

The move comes after a woman who was pushed for two miles along the A1(M) near Wetherby in a Renault Clio said she had saved more than 20p on petrol.

Helen Archer, from Doncaster, said: "At first I screamed a lot but then I realised that not only was I saving money but I was doing my bit to help the environment. And then I lost control of my bladder."

Under the scheme drivers will sit on the hard shoulder of a major trunk road and wait until a massive lorry comes into view.

They will then edge slowly onto the inside lane and be swept up by the unstoppable momentum of the 20 tonne vehicle, while ensuring they have written their chosen turn-off on a piece of paper and sellotaped it to the rear windscreen.

Experts say that once the driver has overcome the sense of hurtling uncontrollably towards certain death they will relax, read a book or listen to some music until the lorry driver spins them off at the correct junction.

The scheme will be voluntary for the first year after which there will be fines of up to £8000 for anyone who does not place their car in the path of a juggernaut.

Climate change secretary Ed Miliband said: "We have to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels and tap into our lorry drivers' psychotic indifference to the sanctity of human life.

"By 2015 we would hope to see hundreds of hybrid cars full of local authority recycling consultants being pushed up and down our motorway network by the vast fleet of bio-diesel lorries transporting George Monbiot's weekly medication."

One Woman's Week: Too Many Pricks

Karen Fenessey

ANOTHER Mother’s Day passes and once again we all take a moment to remember that special woman who sums up the entire event: Jade Goody. But can I be the only one who absolutely insists we look more closely at the legacy she has bequeathed us?

No one would have believed that someone raised single-handedly (if you’ll pardon the pun) by a soap dodger would one day become a woman who wrote several pieces of literature. It is wonderful that our society offers a ladder to such wretches, allowing them to climb out of the gutter and up to the attic conversion of glamour and success.

But as we all know, ladders mean only one thing – snakes. And for me, the biggest snake now hissing at us from beyond the grave is the cervical cancer vaccination campaign, famously inspired by La Goody. Don't get me wrong: I think it's just super that we now offer vaccinations against it, and there's no doubt it will save the lives of thousands of women.

But what kind of women will they be?

Everyone knows what sort of behaviour leads to afflictions of the 'vaginal' area. What we've done is given the green light to battalions of already orange school girls to go out and repeatedly copulate with train conductors and weathermen. And nobody needs to see that.

The annoying thing is, girls like Jade always seem to get their way even though they use phrases like 'ain't never' and 'I've went'. Watching Celebrity Big Brother, I found myself identifying completely with Shilpa, even though I'm almost certainly not a Pakistani. Jade's poor diction was so redolent of my own school bully, Kelly-Jane Berry who made my life hell by saying my bag was from C&A, which in today's lexicon is the equivalent of calling someone a lesbian.

Like Jade, Kelly-Jane left school and became a sad and lonely non entity with nothing to do but get consistently pregnant. It seems the vaccinators, in their sick enthusiasm are determined to push today's young ladies into the same public house lavatory where Kelly-Jane conceived so many of her screeching tykes.

And so the woman who might one day have been your estate agent or acupuncturist will instead be scratching at her undercarriage in a working men's club and passing completely unsubstantiated judgement on where you bought your bag. Thank you Jade.

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How wonderful that David Cameron has thrown his wife onto the oratorical bandwagon currently careering around Westminster. He trusted her to be able to speak in front of an audience, and speak she did! In a world where France boasts the exquisite first lady, Carla Bruni and the exotic temptress, Michelle Obama currently slinks along the corridors of the Whitehouse, Britain could one day boast Sam Cam, the wordy Tory babe. Her proud expensively-educated breasts and big, horsey face are sure to inspire this summer’s look and I'm sure I won't be the only one sporting 'high birth chic' in my local All Bar One.

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What a shame Kate Winslet's marriage has hit the rocks. I must admit that when I tore my hamstring last summer I gained several pounds and for a moment it seemed my relationship might go the same way. What a relief I was back on my feet by August and my beloved and I are still going strong. Sadly, Kate's obesity is in her genes so I suspect she'll be spending August, and probably the rest of her life, on her own.