KEMI Badenoch and Robert Jenrick are, over the course of their leadership campaigns, to fall in beautiful far-right love.

The two finalists in the Conservative leadership contest are to spend the next three weeks provocatively moving further and further right until, eyes sparkling with transgressive xenophobia, they fall into each other’s arms.

A party spokesman said: “Robert needs to prove he’s more extreme than Kemi. But she matches every move he makes until they’re locked in a beautiful dance of fascism.

“He removes citizenship from anyone who can’t be traced back to the Domesday Book, she promises to make Ireland British again. He believes pensioners should be allowed to enslave the young, she hits back with imprisoning Welsh speakers. The attraction is undeniable.

“At a hustings they’re desperately trying to out-populist each other, shouting ever louder, drawing ever nearer until they’re face to face. When finally, right there before their blue-rinse audience, they kiss.

“Post-Johnson the members are fine with them both committing adultery. They lead the party as a couple, their bond all the stronger for their hate. Together they will tear down liberal Britain and make love in the burning ruins.”

He added: “Imagine their pillow talk about deregulating Nazi buses. So hot.”