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Boris Johnson's semi-aquatic beaver sex harem shut down by Labour

PLANS to create a 3,000-acre beaver sex paradise where former prime minister Boris Johnson could roam naked and free have been shut down by Labour. 

Natural England, working closely with Johnson, have created a flooded sylvan glade packed with frolicking beavers which he hoped to be released into in spring.

But spiteful elements within the Labour government, determined to deny one man the passion he has longed for his entire life, have blocked the scheme out of nothing but petty, swingeing envy, causing his stonking majority to subside.

A spokesman for Natural England said: “Feasibility studies have shown the beavers will coppice trees, mitigate flooding and create nature-rich wetlands. Boris, meanwhile, will finally be happy.

“He participated in a trial scheme and it moved volunteers to tears. Out there, gorgeously nude, permanently priapic, no longer a danger to our nation’s political balance or soiling our collective psyche with his Mail columns.

“But Labour, desperate to deny any Tory joy, have quashed it. Even though he’d be tagged and collared they say there’s still a risk of him getting out. It’s cruelty, pure and simple.”

Johnson said: “First, anal musk glands. Second, you know their flat tails? Imagine it’s not water it’s slapping.”

Are you becoming a distraction who must resign from your job? Take our quiz

ARE you doing your job perfectly, breaking neither rules nor codes, but should resign anyway because you are becoming a distraction like Tulip Siddiq? Find out: 

What was the reaction to your arrival this morning? 

A) Muted. Kath looked up and said ‘Hiya’ then carried on with emails. Chris grunted at me in the kitchen. Richard nodded.
B) Clamorous. Kath asked me why I’d listed my home address as the presidential palace in Syria, Chris wanted to know about a string of attempted mobile phone thefts, and Richard confronted me with a severed foot from the shared fridge.

How did you spend the morning? 

A) Collating figures to calculate the ROI of our Christmas marketing campaign. I was absorbed I missed the tea round.
B) Largely dealing with hostile press queries about the missing millions from the pension fund, baseless accusations of rigging the fantasy football league and enquires about who that is thumping and shouting in my car boot that are nobody else’s business.

What about lunch? 

A) Ham-and-cheese toastie.
B) I attempted to visit B&Q to buy screws but, after a paparazzi stepped out in front of my speeding vehicle, was forced to stop and answer questions about benefit fraud, non-standard accounting practices and whether or not I had intended to run him over.

And the afternoon? 

A) Got the ROI presentation sorted and had space to chat to everyone. Kevin’s going to Shropshire at the weekend. Nice for him.
B) CNN called, then I thought I’d better put all these rumours to bed in a brief chat with the BBC, then a stray remark in that had the newspapers on the phone. In between I did manage to answer two work emails.

After that? 

A) Went home. Had a Goodfellas beef lasagne. Watched the telly.
B) Left for home, but by the time I arrived there was a crowd of media asking why I’d told Jan about Kath’s thing for Richard when I’d promised at the works do I wouldn’t. Explained I was focused on doing my job.

ANSWERS: 

Mostly As: You are not a distraction. Nobody would notice if you were not there.

Mostly Bs: Sadly, through no fault of your own, you have become a distraction. You offer your resignation while making it clear you have done nothing at all wrong and charges have yet to be brought.

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