SO now people are claiming I took part in one of Jeffrey Epstein’s sex orgies. But sometimes the situation is not as clear-cut as you might think. Let me explain.
It could be a naturist meeting
You might have stumbled on a group of people who simply enjoy the freedom of not wearing clothes and being in their natural state. In other words, you could be at an orgy and not realise it, which is clearly what happened to me, if I’d been there, which I wasn’t. It all makes perfect sense when you think about it.
It might be dark
If a room is not fully illuminated, it’s impossible to tell whether it’s full of people having sex with each other. So you might not even notice an orgy going on, especially if you were listening to music on earphones. So I think that pretty much proves I am completely innocent of everything.
You don’t wish to be rude
You might not be planning to have sex at an orgy, but if the host has gone to a lot of trouble – maybe they’ve made smoked salmon canapes or bought some pricey M&S mini-burgers – it would be incredibly rude not to have sex with someone. That’s not really taking part in an orgy, it’s just having good manners.
Maybe they’re just exercising
If you’ve ever worked out with a personal trainer, you’ll know some of them can get pretty hands-on. Admittedly I’ve never heard of them exercising your penis, but it’s still possible that what looks like an orgy is actually just people getting in shape. I’m not an expert, the person you need to be asking is Joe Wicks.
It depends on your understanding of the word ‘orgy’
I’d say an ‘orgy’ has to be a proper Roman one with grapes and togas which takes place in about 50 BC. So I can categorically say I did not have sex at an orgy. My lawyer will be furious when he finds out I’ve brilliantly got myself off the hook without needing his help.
Everyone could have just got out of the bath
No one has a bath in their clothes. If I saw a group of naked people I wouldn’t think ‘That’s an orgy’, I’d think ‘All those guests just got out of the bath at the same time, became lost in Mr Epstein’s sizeable villa and are now looking for the towels’. That’s definitely what I’d think.
They could be alien shapeshifters
If you’ve ever seen Species with Natasha Henstridge you’ll realise that aliens tricking humans into mating with them is a real possibility, but that’s not having sex because it’s not human sex. I realise this sounds a bit desperate, but bear in mind I am not the sharpest tool in the box and I went on TV to claim I’d lost the ability to sweat, which would make any normal person immediately seek medical help.
