subscribe
/ Sign Out

We'd never have found out the names without you, people with Google tell Piers Morgan

PEOPLE with access to Google have confirmed they would never have discovered the names of the royals accused of racism without Piers Morgan’s help.

Millions of grateful Britons have heaped praise on Morgan for revealing information they were unable to quickly look up on the powerful search engines they keep in their pockets at all times.

Donna Sheridan from Blackpool said: “What a brave and selfless act. I hope Piers is awarded a Pulitzer prize for his journalistic integrity.

“The names of the two royals in question were kept under lock and key in books, newspapers and social media, so without his valiant intervention they might have remained a mystery forever. He truly is a saint.”

Bill McKay from Plymouth said: “I tried to search for the names after seeing the headlines. But when I went to Google them my fingers developed a mind of their own and I ended up on pornographic websites. I blame Meghan.

“A similar thing happened to my wife. When she tried to find out the names she said a weird voice in her head told her to have some self-respect. Explain that, so-called experts.

“So cheers, Piers. Haters will say you’re needlessly positioning yourself at the centre of a bullshit media-orchestrated scandal like the attention-seeking sphincter you are, but the great British public knows better.”

Five futile things twats do when they're stuck in traffic

IN a jam and going nowhere fast? Here are five irrational acts that will have absolutely no f**king effect on your traffic situation.

Rev the engine

Surely the densely packed stream of traffic blocking your progress will miraculously disperse when they hear your engine revving? Particularly if it’s in sync with the throbbing of the vein on your temple? Try jerking your car forward a few centimetres then braking sharply to add a comical visual element to your futile actions. Other less intolerant drivers and onlookers will be fascinated by your behaviour.

Have a shout

Having a rant inside the car is all well and good, but it won’t solve jack shit. However that all changes if you lean out of the window and tell stationary traffic to f**king move. It’s important to use every profanity available and wave an arm to indicate the direction for the gridlocked traffic to go in. Do this and soon you’ll be cruising along empty scenic highways like you’re in a car advert.

Flash your lights and honk the horn

If possible, accompany the kangarooing of your car by flashing the headlights and honking the horn. If you’re able to do so, headbutt the horn button. This will prove to people in nearby cars you are serious about getting this traffic moving. You definitely won’t see whole families watching you eagerly as mum and dad shake their heads and they all have a good belly laugh.

Get out with purpose

The last gasp of a driver drowning in a sea of vehicular irritation is to fix the problem themself. Get out of your car and stride purposefully towards the cause of the hold-up, so that if the traffic begins to move you have to race back to your car in a panic. If it’s an accident, tell the emergency services to just shunt the wreckage/bodies into a ditch. But you won’t be brave enough to do that outside the fortress-cocoon of your car. Instead stand with one hand on the door, one on the roof and a foot on the sill, scowling and thinking you look f**king boss.

Complain

The traffic’s going nowhere. Apps suggest you’re going to be there a while. Now might be a good time to complete unfinished work or do a Wordle, maybe? No. Complain. Phone the local council. Some call centre operative will definitely rush over and get the traffic moving. Actually go straight to the top and email the Highways Agency and cc Rishi Sunak in. But of course what you really need to do is phone your partner and read out your scathing email with all the venom you can muster. Become so engrossed you don’t notice the traffic is moving again until 30 people are beeping their horns and screaming ‘F**king move!’ behind you.

Next story ›