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This week in Mash History: Guy with crazy hair elected president, 1789

THE role of American president is a bastion of modern democracy, requiring a rational mind, a trustworthy demeanour and, above all, being a completely sane, non-weird sort of person.

But did you know that the very first US president won his position not for his military achievements or oratory finesse, but by having a f**ked-up head of hair?

Recent scholarship on early American politics has shown that the young nation was so preoccupied with the state of George Washington’s mop that it inexplicably generated a groundswell of populist support.

A recently discovered letter from Alexander Hamilton to fellow Founding Father Thomas Jefferson shows key evidence of the mane mania: “My good fellow Jefferson, when Commander Washington crossed the Delaware, he showed us the great man he truly is. Especially when the wind picked up – did you see the way his lustrous hair blew off to one side?

‘His opponents keep pointing to his policies or, worse still, his thoughts and actions. Why are we so preoccupied with a President’s views? Sure, he’s got nasty teeth and some very questionable opinions about slavery, but by god is that rug charismatic, wig or not.

‘It’s not just the colour, it’s the texture too. Apparently he went on a sixteen-minute spiel about a cherry tree when he was signing the old declaration, none of the boys care if it’s true or not, though. Anything sounds great when it’s coming from below that crazy cloud.

‘So, Jefferson, I urge you to join me in electing Washington. Our people have fought long and hard to escape the tyranny of an egotistical ruler with erratic behaviour who’s obsessed with making everything gold. Now we have the glory of democracy, we have the power to never, ever again return to such a warped potentate.

‘That is, unless he has a wacky ‘do. Then he’s bound to be a pretty stand-up guy.’

And so, in spite of Hamilton’s distractions with spoken-word musical numbers, George Washington was elected President and became an inspiration for nutjobs with toupees for centuries to come.

Next week, to 1863, when Abraham Lincoln cut short the Gettysburg address so the crowd could just listen to music and do a little dance.

Budget going to be horrific but excellent, says Starmer

KEIR Starmer has promised the budget is going to be unbelievably harsh, but in some strange way this is also going to be excellent.

Ahead of Rachel Reeves’ punishing budget, the prime minister has solemnly predicted there will be a prolonged period of suffering but the alternative is somehow even worse and you will have a £3 cap on bus fares to cheer you up.

He said: “I have promised, and I will deliver, utter misery. On Wednesday at around half 12, to be precise. But cheer up – it’ll be good.

“The alternative to this manageable misery is a new, more virulent version of austerity where survivors have to frantically scrabble for food and shelter in a doomed wasteland, and bartering with leaves and stones will replace proper currency.

“It won’t be quite that bad, so that’s a real plus.

“Having said that, it will be bad, so why not make the most of these dying days by browsing CEX one last time or admiring a Greggs? You’ll miss these pillars of our proud civilisation when they’re gone.

“And working people will be safe, sort of. Or you might not be. To be honest I’m getting a bit confused myself about how we’re bringing forth the apocalypse by slightly changing National Insurance and Inheritance Tax.”

Starmer said that although Britain would plunged into “unimaginable darkness”, residents of Plymouth could rest assured life would go on much as before.

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