THE sun has deliberately avoided Solstice celebrations at Stonehenge, it has emerged.
Speaking from behind a thick veil of mist, the sun said: “The relentless banging of home-made percussive instruments, the cider and the tattoos, it’s not my scene at all.
“It was ok for a bit in the 90s but I’m well over it now. Frank it’s all mildly embarrassing.
“I’m more into shining on beaches where there are lots of sexy girls with big breasts.”
SUCCESSFUL interrogation only requires the bad cop, it has emerged.
The Institute for Studies researched the globally-recognised ‘good cop, bad cop’ routine to find that simply having the incredibly hostile cop yielded the same results.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Police are wasting billions every year employing ‘good’ cops in the mistaken belief that they can somehow gain perpetrators’ trust.
“Actually criminals saw through that tactic in about 1973.”
Career criminal Roy Hobbs said: “I don’t even like the good cop.
“Frankly his suggestions that we might be able to ‘work something out’ if I confess to a series of armed robberies are an insult to my intelligence.
“No, my attention is fully focused on the other one, the bad one, who’s just smashed a chair up and is now threatening to pulverise my head with one of the broken off legs.
“When the bad cop’s all drooling and saying things like ‘it was scum like you who killed my wife’, that’s when I know it’s game over.”
Gang boss agreed Julian Cook said: “I think I speak for all criminals when I say the cop who’s prepared to beat you to a bloody pulp is the one you’re eager to please.
“His partner who’s just bought you a Diet Coke and is asking if you like Mumford & Sons is just a dick really.”
