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Six jobs Hollywood actors will be doing to make ends meet during the strike

WITH Hollywood actors going on strike, hard-up A-listers will have to find other ways of making money. Expect to see them taking on these jobs.

Margot Robbie serving pints

Former Clapham resident Robbie will have no problem pulling pints in grim British pubs, apart from being on the receiving end of 10,000 lame chat-ups like ‘D’you live locally then, love?’ every shift. Do her a favour though, and don’t mention box office flop Babylon when she serves you.

Woody Harrelson driving an Uber

If there’s anyone who can get you from A to B, it’s gruff Hollywood madman Woody Harrelson. You’ll feel like you’re in your very own movie as he swerves through lanes of traffic and takes a shortcut down a route that isn’t on Google Maps. Being the maverick that he is, he probably uses Waze. ‘It’s better because it uses real-time data,’ he’ll growl.

Emily Blunt stacking shelves

Play it cool when you go to pick up some beans and clock Emily Blunt arranging the tins of chopped tomatoes. Her presence is a reminder of the fickle blessings of fame. You could be just like her one day, not by starring in blockbusters like A Quiet Place and Oppenheimer, by working in Asda. Give her a respectful nod, then quietly move on.

Timothée Chalamet in CEX

This will be a bizarre living nightmare for the star of so many massive films. Imagine how soul-crushing it must be to see shelf upon shelf of your creative output on sale for a quid, your bland, beautiful face looking back at you from the DVD covers. And he’ll only be getting £10.42 an hour. Pray the strike ends soon, for his sake.

Florence Pugh doing data entry

That can’t be her, everyone in the office will whisper. But no, sure enough, there she is. Florence Pugh, dutifully filling in an Excel spreadsheet. She appears to know all the formulas and everything. ‘I’m not researching a role about a sad but sexy office worker,’ she’ll tell you in the kitchen. ‘I just got my electricity bill and need the cash.’

Tom Cruise recording Cameos

The Mission Impossible star won’t be fazed by a little actors’ strike. He got through the pandemic so he can get through this, and he’ll do it by recording 30-second videos you can buy for £40 a pop, eg. ‘Hi, Iain from Shrewbury, you’re my wing man, not my rain man!’ It might sound expensive, but Tom will say your name as if he knows you. You can’t put a price on that. 

During a panic attack, and other helpful times your mum tells you to 'pull yourself together'

FEELING anxious or legitimately worried? Don’t worry, your mum has got some no-nonsense advice that won’t help in the least. Here’s how to stop being pathetic.

Having pre-wedding cold feet

You’re terrified you’re about to make a massive, life-altering mistake. Is your mum sympathetic? Is she f**k. She and your dad have spent ten grand on this, everyone’s sitting in the church with fancy hats on and the mobile disco is on its way. So pull yourself together and get out there. She makes it sound like the Somme, which isn’t helpful.

After being made redundant

It was your dream job, the one you’ve been working towards since your GCSEs, and now you’ve been made redundant through no fault of your own. After grilling you for 40 minutes about why you’ve been ‘sacked’, your mum dismisses your pain and adds that she saw they were advertising at the Spar shop when she walked past earlier.

Mid-panic attack

Anxiety? Pfff. They hadn’t invented that in your mum’s day. They were too busy getting on with things to start hyperventilating. They pushed it all deep down inside and ignored it, so take a deep breath, even if you can’t, and get a grip on yourself. If that doesn’t work there’s a cure so effective it’s surprising psychiatrists need to prescribe drugs: a cup of tea with extra sugar. 

Just been dumped

Your mum has been married to your dad for so long the concept of heartbreak is completely alien to her, and has little sympathy for your histrionics just because your girlfriend of five years has ditched you. It was probably your fault anyway for being so wet. Yes, Mum. Loving relationships are like a bear attack where you must never show weakness. 

Hideously hungover

You have the kind of hangover where you feel like you might have a heart attack if you so much as open your eyes but you promised your mum you’d go to the garden centre with her. She genuinely does not care if you fall down and die beside the water features. You’re going. And that’s that.

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