MY pick-up techniques are foolproof, but it’s hard to meet women when you’re under house arrest. Undeterred, here are seven inanimate objects I’ve shagged recently.
The sofa
I used my technique of breaking down a woman’s confidence to make it easier to get her into bed. ‘You’re a horrible shade of beige,’ I told the sofa, ‘I knew I should have got the red one.’ Once I’d asserted my dominance she was was putty in my hands and I slid my penis between the cushions and pumped away until I came. Another impressive sexual conquest for the ‘Top G’.
The kitchen bin
It’s harder having sex with a bin than you might think, but luckily it was almost full and I managed to get enough friction off old teabags and yoghurt pots. Afterwards I didn’t want a bin hanging around cramping my alpha male gangsta style, so I told it to get its stuff and f**k off. It didn’t move and I had to physically carry it outside. Typical woman – no self-respect and way too clingy.
The kettle
I told my 1.5 litre Bosch kettle it was gagging for it, like all bitches. It caved immediately and I f**ked it there and then in the spout. I only wish I’d emptied it afterwards, because when I made a cup of tea later I got a mouthful of my own spunk and I’m worried I might be gay now.
The toaster
I told the toaster if it wanted a drink it could buy its own, because I’m not pussy-whipped like most modern men. I could tell it was impressed and soon I was putting my penis in one of its slots. Unfortunately in my excitement I depressed the lever, causing the bread flaps to grip my knob tightly while the filaments quickly got red hot. Luckily I managed to withdraw with only minor burns and agonising blisters.
The washing machine
Even a top pick-up artist like me sometimes meets a woman who’s a challenge, and that was definitely the case with the Electrolux. I was using all my best seduction techniques – belittling her, invading her personal space, blowing cigar smoke on her – but she wouldn’t let me open her door until she’d finished her spin cycle. Was it worth it? Was it f**k. Now half my shirts have got jizz on them and need washing again.
A draft excluder
It wouldn’t occur to most men to have sex with a draft excluder, but they’re cucks. Luckily it was one of those in the shape of a snake with googly eyes and a felt tongue, so once I’d made a mouth with a pair of scissors it was practically like getting a real blowjob. I mean, yeah, I’d got a novelty snake on my cock, but it was definitely a more responsive lover than the radiator.
The juicer
I told her straight off I’m not the kind of guy to waste his time listening to women’s shit. She seemed get the message and we started going at it. Safe sex is for pussies, so I put my penis in her fruit and vegetable tube while she was still plugged in. I realise now that was a mistake. The doctors said they’ll probably be able to reattach the tip of my penis, but as far as I’m concerned it just proves what I’ve always said – never trust a woman.
