subscribe
/ Sign Out

Renee Zellweger's creepy face, and other celebrity transformations that went a bit too far

CELEBRITIES tend to be slightly mental and also somewhat obsessed with their looks. As such they should not be allowed anywhere near cosmetic surgeons, as these stars prove.

Renée Zellweger

Renée has shown true versatility in her career, not least with her glammed-down look as Bridget Jones. Unfortunately she transformed a bit more radically in real life by looking like an entirely different person. She’s a bit more back to normal now, but a good rule of thumb might be: when you’re a massive Hollywood star and people don’t recognise you, maybe stop hitting the botox?

Zac Efron

A cautionary tale of trying to be too handsome. By any metric, Zac in High School Musical was the perfect American teenage hunk. Now he looks like an overgrown muscular manchild topped off with an Easter Island statue. Zac concocted a cock and bull story about breaking his jaw as the cause of his dramatic new face. Yes. Right. When internet search engines try to autocomplete your name with ‘face transplant’ and ‘new chin’ you might have overdone it a bit.

Courtney Cox 

The star of the Dancing in the Dark video suddenly started looking very different. Not terrible, just the same level of strangeness as if you got home from work and discovered your partner had been replaced by a not-entirely-lifelike android of someone else entirely. She’s since had the fillers removed and got tonnes of sympathy, so it could be worse.

Chris Pratt

Another victim of The Skinny Jonah Hill Rule, namely: ‘fat people are funnier’. After exploding onto the scene in Parks and Recreation as a hilarious chubster, Chris underwent a startling transformation involving no surgery but an insane exercise regime to become ripped as f**king shit. Okay, he gets to play the lead in Guardians of the Galaxy and apparently the same character in Jurassic Park, but did he need actual comic book art exaggerated muscles? And is he happy? Yes. Obviously.

Kylie Jenner

The youngest of the Kardashian-Jenner clan didn’t make her money with good honest graft like making a sex tape or having a big arse. No, she took the easy path of becoming a cosmetics billionaire at 21. It required a tonne of work to create her current look, which is odd when anyone can look as good as Kylie by simply buying her ‘Snow Way Bae’ or ‘Bad Lil Thing’ lipstick kits for £30 a pop. 

Madonna

Madge is sadly the latest famous person to slowly start transforming into some sort of cat hybrid through repeated bouts of plastic surgery. The thing is, people realise that after an impressively long career of reinvention and classic hits, she is getting a bit older and they’re cool with that. The entire world is thinking: ‘Madonna, please stop.’ And possibly: ‘Before you start eating Whiskas.’

Do five crunches a month: Simple ways to lose belly fat that don't f**king work

BELLY fat is dead easy to shift with minimal effort, articles and ‘experts’ keep telling you. Try these token gestures that make naff all difference.

Do five crunches a month

Using up calories is unfortunately the key to losing body fat. And since you get worn out by wrestling your socks onto your feet, five crunches a month is probably all you can manage. Not in one go, either. After doing one and nearly dying, your body will need a week to recover. Tell yourself you’re sensibly not risking your ‘exercise regime’ with an injury.

Eat one healthy meal a week

All those refined carbs you’re stuffing into your face are the reason you have belly fat. Ideally you should swap them out for healthier foods, so grimly commit to one salad a week. That will definitely make a dent in your paunch, and it’s fine to eat an entire packet of chocolate digestives afterwards. How can you stick to your frugal diet if you starve to death?

Take out a gym membership

Regularly going to the gym is a fantastic, sure-fire way to lose those excess pounds. As is just taking out a membership. You’re burning quite a few calories pushing on that springy keyboard as you fill out your personal details on the gym’s website, and the warm tingle of achievement you feel when the membership card arrives is speeding up your metabolism.

Smoke the odd fag

Leaving aside the cancer and yellow teeth, heavy smoking is great if you want to lose belly fat because it suppresses your appetite. You do have to puff away on 60 a day though, which is expensive and makes you reek. Instead, cadge the odd fag on a night out to reduce your calorie intake by a microscopic amount while only slightly increasing your chances of getting cancer. Doctors always recommend moderation.

Follow weird tips from sidebar adverts

For most people, losing belly fat is straightforward: eat less pies and burn more calories than you consume. This is hard work though and makes you sweaty. It’s much easier to follow the old wives’ tales advertised on website sidebars with animations of jiggling tummies. There’s always some weird fruit like the Indonesian hogmango that removes belly fat too, so do the smart thing and order plenty of pills made from that.

Next story ›