subscribe
/ Sign Out

Prince George told to get used to this shit

PRINCE George has had his first taste of the lifetime of tribal dances and military parades stretching out before him.

The heir to the British throne, who will still politely be watching this kind of thing when he’s 80, seemed bored on his first visit to New Zealand but not as bored as he will be on all the others.

George, a month younger than William was when he went to exactly the same places and did exactly the same things, is already developing the blank but benign stare necessary to surviving official events.

His father whispered to him: “Just let your mind go somewhere elsewhere.

“You must learn to zone out during military tattoos otherwise you’ll lose it before you’re in short trousers.

“Back then it was your Nana Di’s dress they were going on about. Today it’s your mother’s. In 30 years it’ll be the dress of whoever you’ve married.

“The players change, George, but for us the play remains the same.”

The prince reacted by strategically shitting himself, necessitating his brief removal from proceedings while his parents wished they had that option.

Most people now not really middle class

MOST people in the UK are members of the not-really-middle-class class, research has revealed.

The Institute for Studies found that the burgeoning new class consisted mainly of deluded working-class people and less affluent privately-educated people.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Everyone thinks they’re middle class if they’ve got a house of some description and their job doesn’t involve carrying buckets of pig intestines around.

“This has led to the rise of what we call the ‘not-really-middle-class’, who are people like car showroom salesmen or HR executives who go to work in a suit but still read a tabloid and don’t like books unless it’s something to do while you’re getting a tan.

“Alternatively, they might be people who seem convincingly middle class but don’t have any income. This is because they’ve made some incredibly stupid career decision like opening an organic food shop or setting up a film production company making Welsh language romantic comedies.

“Whatever the case, they’re not proper middle-class people like doctors or barristers. They’re all much more desperate than that.”

Plant hire manager Tom Logan said: “I’m definitely middle class because I’ve got a large garden.

“It’s very much my private sanctuary where I can just sit and think and watch Sky Sports by putting my enormous flatscreen telly in the window.”

Next story ›