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Launching a hot sauce, and other half-arsed celebrity cash grabs

FAMOUS? Been offered money to slap your name on something and said yes even though you’re already rich? These are seven common cash-ins: 

A hot sauce

A predilection of rock musicians, with Alice Cooper, Motley Crue and Aerosmith’s Joe Perry all putting their name to a bottle, but Ed Sheeran, Brooklyn Beckham and Suzie Dent have also produced a unique spin on spicy condiments for your chicken wings. Note: one of those is not true.

An alcohol brand

A natural marriage, given that so many stars are in and out of rehab. But oddly it’s names like Ryan Reynolds, Gary Barlow, and improbably Snoop Dogg churning out gin and wine. Why not proper pissheads, like Anthony Hopkins, Stephen King and Oliver Reed? Names you could trust?

A signature perfume

Every perfume counter now has a celebrity section because busy female popstars spend hours in laboratories developing their unmistakeable bouquet. Which is why you can buy Glow by J.Lo, Mad Love by Katy Perry, Claire by Claire from Steps and Diva Pink by Gemma Collins. Note: one of those is not true.

A make-up brand

Since Rihanna gave up music in favour of anything but that, every female celebrity is now getting in on the hugely profitable make-up game. Hawking lip-gloss is hard to balance with their hackneyed ‘you’re perfect as you are’ shtick, but Selena Gomez, Hayley Bieber and Harry Styles thought it worth their trouble.

Bras and knickers

Lizzo, Pam St Clement, Rihanna and Kim Kardashian have all dipped into the world of sexy knickers and shapewear, with the promise to customers that empowerment comes from spending £50 on a neon thong made in Bangladesh. Note: one of those is not true.

A mental health podcast

When a fading star wants to be taken seriously, they simply launch a podcast vaguely focusing on ‘mental health’ or ‘parenting’ or ‘advice’ with no expertise in psychology or frankly anything needed. Gordon Ramsey’s daughter? That’ll do.

A lifestyle brand

Following in the footsteps of Gwyneth’s Goop, her pet name for her sexual secretions, they’re all selling products under the general category ‘you can put it in your house’. Kylie Minogue’s bedsheets, Kenneth Noye’s loft ladders, or Drew Barrymore’s baking trays, anyone? Note: one of those is not true.

The Trump voter's guide to coping with buyer's remorse

ARE you a Trump voter beginning to realise prices will rise, government will collapse and you may get deported? Here’s how to rationalise it: 

Bank on him being incompetent

Trump has bankrupted multiple viable businesses and ran a campaign in which he appeared ill-informed, mentally impaired and just plain stupid. He’ll likely be equally clueless with policies like 20 per cent tariffs, never expecting other countries to impose tariffs in return, at which point he’ll ditch the idea and blame JD Vance.

You can always change your vote

Google searches for ‘change my vote’ rocketed on election day, suggesting many Americans believed they could do just that. After all you can take purchases back to the store, and what’s democracy but shopping? Make a mental note to switch to Kamala within the 90-day return period.

Trump will be too busy grifting

While standing for office he flogged nasty tat including trading cards, gold trainers and Trump Bibles. As president he made millions forcing state officials stay in Trump hotels. The desire to make a quick buck will always come before governance, so border security will take a back seat to selling new Trump Viagra for flagging patriots.

Musk will wreck everything

Elon Musk, appointed today to cut everything, has already reduced the value of Twitter by 80 per cent, and now he’s going to do the same in government. Every cut regulation will be chased by a swarm of lawsuits and the only functioning element of government will be SpaceX subsidies. The US simply won’t have the resources to follow Trump’s lunatic whims.

Be in denial

Back in 2016, no-one could have predicted a businessman’s attention-seeking run for office would become a cult of MAGA types where incontrovertible evidence is simply denied. So pretend everything is fine. Difficult when it’s you personally being hooded and shackled, but maybe the Border Patrol are taking you to Disney World?

He might die

Trump doesn’t look well, or live healthily. He only seemed vigorous in comparison to Biden who looks like he’ll finish his presidency by ouija board. The 47th president is almost 80, considerably overweight and has something grievously wrong with his bowels. Basically it’s a race against time between installing a fascist regime and a fatal shart.

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