KEVIN Spacey has warned Britain that if he is not given major movie or theatre roles within the next six months he will turn up in pantomime.
The disgraced former A-lister told Britain it has until autumn to secure him a part as a villain in a blockbuster, the lead in a sensitive arthouse film or a role in a Pinter play in the West End before he appears at a regional theatre near them.
He said: “Don’t think I won’t play King Rat at Nottingham Theatre Royal. Because I will, and you’ll pay to see it.
“I’ve got the skillset: I live here, I’m familiar with your horrible culture, I’m in need of money. I could even take it far too seriously and convince myself I’m performing in the grand tradition of commedia dell’arte if I have to.
“What, you’ll think you’ll take the moral high ground when Keyser Soze – spoilers, motherf**kers – is treading the boards near you? You people watched Leslie Grantham in panto after panto and he was a convicted murderer.
“So unless you want to explain to your children exactly why everybody’s afraid of the bad man on stage, I recommend you get me cast in a prestige period drama immediately. Dickens as my preference, though I’ll accept Austen despite it being for girls.”
Casting director Helen Archer said: “I’ve seen his acting in House of Cards, and he’s panto-ready. This is no idle threat.”
