DO you know someone who enjoys pretending that Showgirls is worth sitting through in an ironic way? They probably like these other films too:

Showgirls, 1995

Showgirls was deservedly panned when it came out, but it is now de rigueur to claim it is a masterpiece which was criminally under-appreciated by audiences at the time. However, the people who insist it is a misunderstood cult satire are just unable to admit they like looking at Elizabeth Berkley with her tits out, which, admittedly, you didn’t get in Saved By The Bell.

The Wicker Man, 2006

The original is bonkers in a way that works, but this pointless Nic Cage remake is an off-putting mix of wacky Cage weirdness and confusing stuff, and just ends up being shit. Almost two decades after its release, film buffs now like to claim that Cage’s ‘bad’ performance was intentional, and that it was a precursor to recent meta-comedy The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent. But the simple truth is that it is utterly rubbish. Even the bit with the bees. Shame that was CGI. Nic Cage deserved it.

Love Actually, 2003

A bunch of insufferable middle-class people cheat on each other, stalk each other, harass each other and generally act like dicks, while a dreadful festive cover of Love Is All Around is played over the top. Love Actually is pap and will make you cringe so hard your eyeballs come out of your arsehole, and yet everyone pretends it’s great, simply because it’s set at Christmas. Idiots.

Titanic, 1997

Foregrounding a trite, unbelievable love story in a film about an unsinkable ship sinking is a waste of everyone’s time, quite literally in the case of Titanic’s 269 minutes. The CGI is no longer amazing, the characters are wankers and all that fannying about in submersibles is boring. People probably pretend to like it because the thought of James Cameron wasting $200 million making this cheesy foregone conclusion of a film is too embarrassing to contemplate.

Tommy, 1975

A film featuring Elton John, Oliver Reed, Tina Turner, Jack Nicholson and music by The Who has got to be good, right? Wrong. Rock opera Tommy is about a ‘deaf, dumb and blind kid’ who is really good at pinball. It’s campy, cringey mess which verges on the unwatchable, and looks horribly ableist to modern eyes. Film snobs pretend it’s good because it was directed by ‘auteur’ Ken Russell, but they’re wrong. It’s bollocks. 

Spice World, 1997

A smart, self-aware and self-referential film which cleverly satirises the pop industry of the mid-90s? Or a scrappy mess thrown together as an easy way for the Spice Girls to cash in on their girl power bullshit before their collective star began to wane? Obviously the latter, whatever 45-year-old diehard fans who should have grown the f**k up by now will have you believe. Avoid and watch something superior, like 2 Fast 2 Furious.