I OFTEN think what would happen if one day I woke up and discovered I was a miniature plastic version of myself. Ridiculous, I know. There’s probably only a 15 or 20 per cent chance of it happening.
But it’s a scenario which dominates my daily life and haunts my dreams. It’s ruined relationships, driven away friends and frustrated therapists. Often, I’ll talk of nothing else but ‘Tiny Johansson’ for weeks on end. Planning for this outcome is clearly the sensible thing to do.
Here’s the plan. I’m a celebrated, award-nominated, globally-recognisable actor. That wouldn’t change just because a mad scientist’s experiment went awry or a witch had placed a hex on me and I’d become completely f**king tiny-fied.
I’d call my agent and get them to tell every casting director in Hollywood that Scarlett was back with a new USP – she’s tiny! I’d be hoovering up roles left, right and centre. Although ironically hoovers would become a much larger issue in my life.
It’s tough to admit to myself, but my marriage would be over. Not least because sex would be impossible. A normal-sized man can’t do it with a 1.5 inch woman. Not even in niche pornography, I’ve checked. So that’s that. I’d need to find someone of my own new stature. Which leaves Tom Cruise as a shoo-in for husband number four.
Professionally, I’ll be coining it in from Lego movies. Looks like I’d be every new Lego film heroine: Wonder Woman, Rey Skywalker, Captain Marvel, Harley Quinn and Madame Web, although they might not make that one.
And without the pressure to be a simmering sexpot, I could take on roles I’ve never tackled before: a wise-ass teenage mouse in Stuart Little 3, a singing marshmallow in a Pixar movie, or Clippy the Microsoft paperclip. I’ve bought the rights to that for $70m so I can turn it into a Barbie-style mega-hit when I turn tiny. I’m nothing if not shrewd.
I’ve got it all mapped out. I’ll be attending the Oscars in a designer dress made from a scrap of fabric. They’ll have to carry me around on a small tray so no one steps on me. I’ll watch my latest hit movie while chowing down on a single piece of popcorn, which will be very slimming.
Yes, I’m ready for when I turn tiny. Let’s just hope I don’t turn giant, like a theme park dinosaur. Shit, I hadn’t thought about that.
