FORMER kickboxer and current slaphead Andrew Tate and brother Tristan have lost £2.6 million to Devon and Cornwall Police. Is it because he’s so manly? 

Joe Turner, climbing instructor: “I imagine he’ll take this news just like he took being sent to prison: by pretending it’s brilliant and he couldn’t be happier. I for one am fooled.”

Sophie Rodriguez, chiropodist: “His brother’s called Tristan? So they’re both desperately overcompensating. No, actually, I shouldn’t assume he doesn’t also have a micropenis.”

Jules Cook, financial vibes consultant: “Devon and Cornwall Police? Wow, talk about an embarrassing force to be taken down by in their break from policing cream tea disputes.”

Roy Hobbs, snooker ball polisher: “Does this mean he’s no longer the Top G? In that case, who’ll be Top G for Christmas? This is a genuine question, I can’t find the G rankings anywhere.”

Helen Archer, overlocker: “If you’re asking me for an opinion on Andrew Tate that doesn’t begin and end with ‘He’s a twat’ you’re asking too much.”