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Harry and Meghan in last-ditch attempt to save Spotify deal with album of power ballads

THE Duke and Duchess of Sussex have tried to save their $20 million Spotify deal with an album of yearning power ballads.

Spotify threatened to drop the couple after nobody listened to the Archewell podcast, because why would they, but Meghan and Harry believe Throne of Your Heart can turn it around.

A Montecito insider said: “Harry wears a red bandana now. Meghan’s hair is huge.

“He’s kicking out hot riffs on a Gibson Flying V, she’s wailing on the mic, it’s uplifting, affirming and adult-oriented. This could dominate the summer like Bryan Adams caught in steamy, sax-solo back alley sex with Wet Wet Wet.

“Themes include love, eternal love, love that is more special than your love, what utter f**kheads the British press are and driving down coastal roads in a convertible, so it’s the relatability their audience demands.

“They’re promoting it with a 110-date world tour, which let’s face it will sell out like his bloody book did, followed by a debilitating cocaine addiction they can sell to Oprah.”

Sun will not set this evening

THE sun is to beat down on the country for a punishing 48 hours without reprieve, scientists have confirmed.

Due to the tilt of the Earth’s axis, the sun will not disappear beneath the horizon this evening and the brief night-times you have been struggling to enjoy will fail to occur.

Meteorologist Donna Sheridan said: “It’s all to do with the earth’s orbit and its distance from the sun. Complicated stuff you wouldn’t understand so I’m not going to explain it further. We scientists refer to the phenomenon as ‘sweating like a pig’.

“The upshot is that come midnight it’ll be as dazzlingly bright as midday. You’ll be able to hang your washing out to dry at 1am, take your dog for a walk in broad nightlight, then top up your tan. That’s if you haven’t been driven mad by the lack of sleep.

“By the next morning your body clock will be completely f**ked and you won’t know what day of the week it is, let alone the time. It’ll feel ten times worse than jetlag and by the afternoon you’ll feel like a zombie as you mindlessly stagger out for a pint.

“Scotland will of course be spared and continue to be a gloomy shithole, so maybe go there.”

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