Cool, edgy celebrities who'll be on Radio 2 by the time they're 50

4th April 2024

RIGHT now they’re sexy, dangerous and beloved by the youth. In less than 30 years they’ll be exploiting it to appeal to a middle-aged Radio 2 audience.

Millie Bobby Brown, aged 20

The unquestioned star of Stranger Things is also in the Godzilla movies, not that you noticed. But as she ages, it’s glaringly obvious that youth was all she had and without it all that’s left is the Netflix generation’s nostalgic affection, easily weaponised with a Halloween Radio 2 special then a move to early breakfast. It’s a living. With a pension.

Paul Mescal, aged 28

The Hollywood movies stop. The British movie era begins, and ends. Leading man in ITV dramas isn’t bad until they sputter out. Making ironic appearances as yourself in sitcoms, complete with your Normal People chain, is painful. Radio 2 throws a lifeline, Paul grabs it gratefully, and now that lovely Kildare lilt is hosting phone-ins.

Lorde, aged 27

There’s always one: an Anglophone who ends up over here by marriage, career foundering, scanning around for options on our blighted isle wondering how it came to this. Lorde, hits long forgotten, Kiwi accent providing a nod to diversity, slips into the Jo Whiley slot as if once being considered a rival to Taylor Swift never happened.

Central Cee, aged 25

“We didn’t know it was a grime boom when it was on,” explains the man with the most-streamed rap song of 2023. But he surely realised when it was over, the kids had moved on and he was doing grime weekenders at Skegness Butlins. After that Radio 2’s Grime Hour is a great gig. Stormzy? Stormzy’s presenting The One Show.

Maisie Williams, aged 26

A career as an actor is tough when you’ve discovered too late that acting isn’t a field you have the skills for. You skipped GCSEs for Game of Thrones, and TV presenting just reminds the audience how old you are and therefore how old they are. Radio’s more forgiving. On Radio 2 you’re still young as you play Billie Eilish for hoovering mums.

Molly-Mae Hague and Tommy Fury, aged 24

At an unspecified point in the future, Instagram followers will stop being currency. Being related to a famous boxer will no longer be lucrative and it’ll seem odd that it ever was. But Drivetime with Molly-Mae and Tommy? They’re like family members you don’t exactly like but tolerate. And so a single summer of Love Island fame lasts a lifetime.

Seven magical family days out by rail you'll spend at Euston Station

4th April 2024

AFTER a chaotic Bank Holiday weekend, Euston was at a standstill again yesterday. But Network Rail keeps urging us to have family days out by train, so here are some great places you won’t get to.

Sea Life Brighton

The stunning array of aquatic creatures includes sharks, turtles and octopuses. You won’t be seeing them because you’ll be stuck on the concourse at Euston, but there’s no need to miss out on interesting wildlife. Take your kids outside to look at the manky pigeons and homeless people’s dogs. It’s Euston’s very own rich natural fauna.

Windsor Castle

Founded by William the Conqueror in the 11th century, Windsor Castle is not only historically important but contains fascinating exhibits such as Queen Mary’s Dolls’ House from 1921. However there’s no chance you’ll get there, so enjoy the history of Euston instead. It was completed in 1837, and since then has seen many historic changes, such as new platforms and the opening of M&S Simply Food in the year 2018. Dale Winton, Derek Acorah and Meat Loaf were all still alive then. It was a different time.

Stonehenge

What significance did Stonehenge have for the ancient druids? Could the stone circle have magical or dimension-shifting powers due to primordial Earth energy from nearby ley lines? Ponder these ancient mysteries as you take the English Heritage 3D virtual Stonehenge tour on your phone while standing outside Burger King in Euston.

The Bell Inn

This historic pub in Moreton-in-Marsh was frequented by JRR Tolkien and was the inspiration for The Prancing Pony where Frodo, Sam and the other two meet Strider and begin their quest. You won’t be bumping into Aragorn though, because if you’re in a hostelry it will be one of the shithole transit pubs at Euston. Try to maintain the magic of Middle Earth by telling your kids that any passing shortarses are hobbits.

Alton Towers

You might get one of the few trains leaving Euston and think you’re going to Britain’s best-loved amusement park. Five minutes into the journey they’ll announce the entire network is in fact stuffed and you’re terminating at Swindon. Still, you’re stuck in your seat and it’s too late to get off, just like the Nemesis Reborn rollercoaster! Except the ride is somewhat less exciting.

Birmingham Science Museum

Birmingham is no distance from Euston if you have modern, functioning trains, which Britain increasingly does not. However if you had gone there you’d be able to see technological breakthroughs ranging from steam engines to talking robots. But don’t despair – Euston Station is also a marvel of technology. Look how clear the massive HD screens announcing the cancellations are, and enjoy the superb picture quality of the adverts for rail services, although by now you never want to see another train in your f**king life.

Camber Sands

The sand dunes are not just good for a stroll, they have a fascinating pop culture history as locations for everything from the 1958 John Mills film Dunkirk to episodes of Doctor Who. Luckily Euston, where you currently are, has its own TV and film history, most notably that many scenes from the Harry Potter films were shot in locations nearby. It’s just a shame you can’t think of the boy wizard these days without also imagining pictures of creepy sex offenders posted by obsessive TERFs. But try not to let it ruin a great day out at Euston!