subscribe
/ Sign Out

Brian Cox, and five other celebrities who could be high as f**k and you'd never know

WITH his spaced-out ramblings about the wonders of the universe, no observer can discern whether Brian Cox is straight or high. These are similarly challenging: 

Brian Cox

The universe is indeed a fascinating place filled with notable marvels. But the only people rhapsodising about the quark’s journey through the universe are either fried on acid and unaware everyone else has left the party or particle physicists like Brian Cox. His mod haircut and musical background make it even harder to tell if he’s just done a fat line.

Lady Gaga

Shrewdly playing the long game, Gaga has created a surreal stage persona you’re used to seeing in meat dresses or eight-inch crystal heels so she can behave as bizarrely as she likes without arousing suspicion. You’d only suspect she was on ketamine if you saw her doing something wildly out of character, like browsing model railway magazines at WH Smiths.

Tom Cruise

The presence of substances in the bloodstream would be the least of your concerns if you met Cruise. With his disturbing grin and manic personality you’d assume he was not high on coke but on Scientology and his own unearthly longevity, and that he was about to push hardcore religion on you for the sake of your thetan.

Björk

A battery of drug testers could not discern whether Björk was off her face. Asking her point blank would be a run to nothing as she’d start reeling off a list of impenetrable albeit hauntingly evocative metaphors, accompanied by discordant frenetic drums. Save time by assuming she’s dosed up 24/7, as is everyone Icelandic.

Joe Biden

Delayed reaction times and slurred speech are tell tale signs that somebody is high, and Biden has both in abundance. He’s certainly loaded up with prescription meds to keep him ticking over until his presidency ends. Is there a generous dose of heroin mixed in? That’s a secret he’ll take to his grave, early next year.

Margot Robbie

Margot Robbie is too perfect to let slip if she were high. She could be tripping on a speedball and still power through a press interview flawlessly. Not that you’d notice she was babbling about insects under her skin because you’d be blinded by her exemplary facial structure.

'Lack of vibes' considered genuine excuse to end date by both parties

INTERNET language designed to help fearful Gen Zers to avoid voicing opinions is now considered valid for ending romantic relationships. 

A pair of young people who decided not to go on a second date dodged any awkward truths about their lack of attraction by simply saying their energies did not match, a completely empty reason accepted by both parties.

Charlotte Phelps, aged 21, said: “Like, if someone says your indigo aura won’t be able to handle my red one, everyone just gets that. We’d be clashing on a purely spiritual level from day one and that can’t be worked through.

“When he admitted his birthday’s December and I’m obviously a Virgo, we both laughed at how outrageously off the vibe was. So it was nothing to do with him being fat and shiny.

“He performed the ultimate ick of ordering an alcoholic beer, so I just said it was a Sunday and wasn’t feeling it. He understood completely once I sent the Chappell Roan meme.”

Jordan Gardner, also 21, agreed: “It’s kush. I’m about kicking back, her thing’s more about being into normcore. I have to respect not everyone gets my edgy humour or polyamorous leanings. You can’t gel like that on every level sometimes, it’s just vibes.

“The main thing is we spoke our truth. Even though I was lying when I said I was happy to call it early and not wank myself to sleep.”

Next story ›