THE breakup of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez has proven that time is a flat circle. It’s one of many things doomed to repeat itself in 19 years’ time:
The conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn
The celestial ballet between these two gas giants is the universe’s way of telling mankind that everything is locked in an endless loop. Try as we might to free ourselves from cosmic bonds, all matter returns to whence it came. In your case to your parents’ house, in Ben Affleck’s he’ll marry another interim Jennifer. Probably Lawrence.
War in Israel
The conflict in Gaza, which you tune out daily for the sake of your wellbeing, has its peaks and lulls. That these coincide with Bennifer resurgences is mere coincidence but worth noting. Should the couple renew their romance in 2043 as septuagenarians, with Lopez then looking almost 50, consider leaving the West Bank immediately.
A devastating financial cataclysm
The cycle of boom and bust recurs with depressing regularity and the Great Recession was almost two decades ago, meaning an economic catastrophe is imminent. Best stop throwing around your vast piles of disposable income now and invest it in commodities that won’t lose value, like tinned food and a shotgun.
Noel Edmonds
Sadly, Noel Edmonds never truly goes away. He lies dormant like a supervolcano before his career inexplicably flares again, devastating millions. Scientists believe, 19 years after Deal Or No Deal, we are overdue another televisual smash by the bearded grudge-bearer. It’s chillingly a question of not if but when.
Swarms of ravenous locusts
Living underground and emerging after a period of dormancy long enough to raise an ungrateful teenager, these swarming insects will be fine in the UK now we’ve warmed it up for them. You’ll be about to tuck in to your M&S falafel wrap when huge clouds of the bastards will descend on you.
Bennifer
As foreseen by the ancient Mayan calendar, they’ve split again. This time mercifully only producing a Superbowl ad instead of the nightmare of Gigli. But this isn’t the end. Like Jupiter and Saturn, like Edmonds and a TV format, they will return. In 2043 and then again in 2062 posthumously on the astral plane, when Lopez will once again end it suspiciously after a career setback.
