subscribe
/ Sign Out

Summer romances harder to fake, moan teenagers

TEENAGERS have complained it is no longer possible to return from a fortnight in Crete claiming to have spent the whole time shagging. 

While previous generations could plausibly pretend to have spent the whole of a family holiday in an all-inclusive resort enjoying a whirlwind romance with individuals called Pavlos or Inga, today’s 16-year-olds demand pictures or it did not happen.

Tom Booker, aged 14, said: “The burden of proof is simply too high on my generation, and it’s not fair.

“My dad, misty-eyed, told me all about the red-hot fortnight-long f**k-fest he’d enjoyed with a Spanish girl called Rosalia in 1995 which was the envy of all his friends. Even though it didn’t happen and he spent the whole time squeezing spots while reading Stephen King.

“You didn’t even have to go abroad, mum said. She’d invented a whole romance with an fisherman called Morgan and they’d only gone to Whitby. Your peer group was powerless to prove it false and, even more, they wanted to believe.

“Now? You’d have photos, texts, TikToks together, nudes, the lot. When I dared lie I’d chatted to a hot German called Helga it was quickly disproven with a date-ranged search of geotags.”

Father Matt said: “Of course, in a couple of years you’ll be able to do it all with AI. The golden years of claiming to have lost your virginity on a Sitges sunbed will be right back.”

They said I was washed up, but now I'm a Lucy Letby conspiracy theorist! By Nadine Dorries

IS that egg on your face, critics? Because you thought Nadine Dorries was finished, but now I’m back with a bold new career of defending a murderer convicted by two juries!

Yes, I’m highlighting minor inconsistencies in the case against a disturbed killer which even the conspiracy-minded idiots who read the Daily Mail are sceptical about. Beats being culture secretary any day!

I admit Letby may look a lost cause. As well as a vast amount of circumstantial evidence, she was discovered by a doctor apparently mid-murder and confessed to her crimes in notes and diaries.

But we must not forget that dark forces routinely conspire against totally innocent people like – just to pick a random example – Boris Johnson. Who I cleared of all wrongdoing.

The Letby case, for me, is Partygate all over again. Charges levelled by a biased media. Evidence overlooked. A lone, virtuous figure fighting for truth. No, not her, me.

Because, as canny Liverpudlian, I can simply spot a wrong ‘un. Sweet little Lucy simply does not have the vicious eyes of Myra Hindley, the sinister beard of Peter Sutcliffe, or the self-appointed moral righteousness hiding a core of pure evil of Sue Gray.

I am not alone in my doubts. Whenever one of my articles is published on Mail Online, I immediately get tens of messages of support from the public. Normal, everyday folk like Saucer75Survivor, who want to see justice done and a military coup.

And as I’ve pointed out in my Mail articles, which are fully peer-reviewed by a 22-year-old sub-editor, the socialist NHS is inherently evil. Privatisation would disincentivise nurses from murder by providing in pleasant surroundings like a Bupa advert.

I believe my tireless truth-seeking will result in a historic miscarriage of justice overthrown, the return to parliament of myself and England’s rightful ruler Boris Johnson, and it being December 2019 again. Within weeks.

So who’s destroyed their own career like a f**king looney now, haters? Not Nadine ‘Mad Nads’ Dorries, that’s for sure!

Next story ›