9am-10am, wargaming Admiral Naval battles in the bath: The King's busy day in full

8th May 2024

PRINCE Harry should not take it personally that the King is unable to see him today. His jam-packed itinerary means he does not have a second to spare:

8am-9am: Eating a lavish, state-funded breakfast

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so the King makes sure to do it right. As well as a bowl of muesli, he also wolfs down a full English breakfast, a round of pancakes, and a boiled egg with soldiers, all washed down with three cups of coffee. Sounds extravagant, but you’re footing the bill so he doesn’t worry.

9am-10am: Wargaming Admiral Naval battles in the bath

The highlight of the King’s day. While enjoying a good soak, his majesty likes to splash around with accurate scale models of Type 45 destroyers and the HMS Queen Elizabeth. Today will see the King wargaming a conflict against the Russian fleet in the Black Sea, complete with enthusiastic sound effects and explosions made by pounding his fists into the water.

10am-10.30am: Taking a royal leak in the Gold State Toilet

Even the simple act of going for a piss is a complex, pageantry-laden affair for the King. Popping to the palace’s ornate ceremonial toilet involves a procession down The Mall, while unzipping his flies revolves around a bizarre ceremony shrouded in ancient tradition. Plus the onlooking trumpeters make it hard for His Majesty to get a steady stream going.

10.30am-11.30am: Doing whatever mummy did at this time

Thanks to a lack of handover notes, the King is unsure what to do at this time of day. If in doubt, he sits at a desk like his mummy did and dutifully replies to daily dispatches delivered to him in a little red leather box. This is his version of trying to reach inbox zero, and just like you he is failing pathetically.

11.30am-12pm: Doomscroll

The King is not so different from regular people. When he has a moment spare, he likes to scroll through TikTok and Instagram reels while despairing at the state of the world. If he sees a particularly funny meme he likes, he’ll share it with Andrew in their private Whatsapp group.

12pm-1pm: Lunch break

Forever at a loss as to what to do for lunch, the King will likely disguise himself as a civvie and swing by Greggs for a vegan sausage roll before calling into CEX to see if there are any good deals to be had.

1pm-2pm: Aimlessly drift around the palace gardens like he does on The Crown

The King would have loved to attend today’s Invictus Games celebrations, but sadly they have clashed with his aimless meanderings around the palace gardens. This important stroll has been pencilled in his majesty’s diary for months so sadly cannot be moved, but the King is confident that Harry will understand.

2pm-3pm: The back-breaking public duty of cutting a ribbon

What is it today? The opening of a hospice or a new Co-op? It’s hard to tell. All the ribbons and over-sized scissors tend to blend into one after a while. What the King wouldn’t give to smash a bottle against a new ship once in a while, just to break up the monotony a little. Still, it’s the Olympics soon, maybe he’ll get to do something with a flaming torch.

3pm-6pm: Spend precious family time with William and Kate

Time is the most important commodity, so the King is sure to spend it wisely. This afternoon he has blocked out three whole hours to unwind with WIlliam and Kate, play with his grandkids, and create special memories with relatives who don’t talk shit about his family on Oprah.

6pm-7pm: Watch Baby Reindeer

He’s managed to avoid spoilers and wants to see what all the fuss is about. With any luck he’ll be able to squeeze in two episodes.

7pm-9pm: Private physical engagement with Camilla

[DETAILS OF EROTIC ROLEPLAY REDACTED UNDER THE OFFICIAL SECRETS ACT UNTIL THE YEAR 2124]

9pm-10pm: Settle down to bed

While a servant brushes his teeth for him, the King will take stock of another busy day while looking ahead to tomorrow. Funnily enough his calendar is completely empty, if only Harry had been free then he surely would have loved to meet up. Maybe next time.

'Stay hungry. Stay foolish': Six patently bollocks quotes that morons live their lives by

7th May 2024

THERE’S no one, single way to live your life, but there are plenty of stupid quotes you shouldn’t listen to. Sadly, idiots swear by all of these.

‘Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you’ll land among the stars’

A well-meaning but tedious motivational quote about how aiming high can result in success, even if you fail. Sadly it’s only used by entrepreneurs and self-described disruptors to spur themselves on to create bullshit products nobody needs. Who wants to land among the vacuum of space between stars anyway? You’ll just be waiting to die as your spaceship runs out of air.

‘Be yourself, everyone else is already taken’

A quote only listened to by colossal aresholes trying to justify their awful personalities. There is nothing intrinsically wonderful about ‘being yourself’. Your core personality needs to be hammered into shape by grim life experiences until you are humbled into copying acceptable human behaviour. But nobody wants to see that on a motivational poster of a dolphin leaping over a sunset.

‘Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass… It’s about learning to dance in the rain’

This was once an admirable quote about embracing and rising above life’s difficulties. Sadly it’s now been hijacked by Facebook mums to describe the ordeal of being stuck in traffic or realising that you’ve left your headphones at home. Even on a metaphorical level it’s nonsense. If you saw someone dancing in the rain, you’d think they’re a dickhead.

‘You must be the change you wish to see in the world’

Must you? Must you really? Most people don’t want to be a change, anyway. They want to win the lottery, have a big telly, and never see their in-laws again. And the select few that do want change are often universally-reviled cretins like Elon Musk. You’re better off scraping along in relative obscurity and never making any difference. That’s a normal, healthy existence.

‘Stay hungry. Stay foolish’

Steve Jobs was a pioneer in the field of bollocks quotes, but this stands out as his magnum opus. For lots of people, staying hungry and foolish isn’t a choice, it’s a by-product of their crap job and inherent stupidity and should not be encouraged. Besides, the format of this quote can make anything sound inspirational. Even ‘Stay drunk. Stay horny’ sounds deep.

‘He who dies with the most toys wins’

A quote beloved by rich twats as it endorses their lavish lifestyles. They could have made a massive difference by donating a fraction of their billions to charity, but instead they spunked it all on a fleet of Bugattis and a superyacht. Far from winning, they will be forever remembered as a selfish wanker who happened to invest in Bitcoin at the right time.