WETHERSPOONS pubs are at risk of being the only survivors of a 300 per cent rise in energy bills, experts have warned.
All proper pubs are expected to close, leaving the Brexiter-owned chain with shit carpets, no music and impossibly distant toilets as the dominant watering hole of the whole country.
Nathan Muir, landlord of the independent Golden Lion, said: “Why isn’t the government doing something? Surely they can set a cap on how many pints of dog-piss lager come gushing out of their aggressively staffed taps.
“Unlike pubs which aren’t run by a notorious twat, Wetherspoons will cut whatever arsehole corner necessary. Last crisis they told their staff to f**k off and get jobs at Tesco, and they came out of that fine.
“Wetherspoons are cheap, warm and you can sit in there all day. They’re tailor-made to get through this. But the defining British experience of getting shitfaced in the pub will be demeaned forever.
“No more darts, or jukeboxes, or quiz nights, or saloon bars, or flirting with the barman, or old blokes pouring their dog a saucer of mild. Just an app ordering a pitcher of Hawaiian Pipeline Punch slamming down on a human face forever.”
Wetherspoons regular Wayne Hayes said: “Everyone should be a divorced, jobless, daytime drinker living in a bedsit like me. That’s why I voted Boris and Brexit.”
